FAIL.

So all my friends and the people I work with at church think I am too busy.  Every time they organize a little "get together" I am always too freaking busy to go.  I either have night class, some mundane meeting, or already made plans doing something else.  I don't go back on my word, so therefore, I still go.  Well last night, I tried to be a really good friend and go see some of my friends play basketball.  I had never been to one of their games, so I just assumed they played at their school, Nebraska Christian College.  So I get mapquest directions and head out right after my night class.  I found the school really easily, even though it is down a creepy gravel road and pretty much isolated from the rest of the town.  I park and call my friend Meghan to ask where I go next.  She tells me that she is holding the door open and doesn't see me.  I ask her which building and apparently, there was only supposed to be one bid building with lights on.  I was looking at the school and telling myself, hmmm, there is definitely more than one big building with lights on.  She then asks if I was at Calvary. Nope, I wasn't.  I didn't even know what the heck Calvary was.  I drove half an hour to see my friends and I was at the wrong place ('cause apparently they don't even play at their school... who doesn't play at their school?!...hmmm... I guess the fact that they don't even has a gym makes a little bit of a difference).  Half time was over at this point and there was no way I was going to make it. So I just went home. UGH. Man, I try to do something and I fail.  I am such a dork... geeeez. At least it was a nice little drive... and at least I didn't lock my keys in my car like Meghan did later in the night. (bahahahahahaha!)

to BFA or not to BFA... that is the question.

So here's the deal... Creighton and their little education department pretty much stinks.  Upon arriving to this school with the intention to be an art education major, Creighton doesn't have an art education major.  BUT they do have this weird co-major/endorsement deal where I major in Education and co-major/get an endorsement in art.  This is all really confusing... hang in there.

So lately, I have been freaking out about my future and whether or not I will even graduate on time.  I had to have a big portfolio review to even be accepted into the major... so basically, all the art professors looked at my work, talked behind my back, and decided my fate.  Well, I got in, which is really exciting! So I am officially in the art department and I am just waiting to hear back from the education department.  Well, all my art professors think I should go for my BFA (bachelor of fine arts degree) and be a real art major, not just have an art endorsement for teaching.  Well, because I would be an actual double major, this is going to require a few more credit hours... not a ton, just like 3 more classes than if I was to just have my art endorsement.  But if I did want to get my BFA, I definitely would not graduate on time, especially since student teaching would be 2nd semester next year and I don't take classes during that time.  If I did decide to just go with my art endorsement with my education degree (with no BFA), I would be able to graduate on time.  

Are you keeping up?

Okay, so the question is, do I get my BFA or not?  It means staying an extra semester, but it also means that I could teach anywhere because I would actually have an art degree.  It means I would still student teach that 2nd semester of my senior year, but fall 2010, I would devote that entire semester to developing and creating my senior thesis/art show in the fine arts gallery. Would I rather just finish school on schedule or enhance my abilities as an artist and educator?... I think it might be worth the extra money...

What do you think?

November Schmovember

I have not posted in a REALLY long time. Thanks school. 

No, but it's always fun coming back from a break, reading all my old posts, and being encouraged to write again.  I hope I can keep this up.

If I wrote about everything that has happened over the past 3 or 4 months, that would be super overwhelming.  Below are just a few things that have been goin' on in my life... I hope they entertain you to a certain degree...

1) I'm a junior in college.  Life is crazy busy and I am pretty much freaking out about my life and my future everyday.  I try not to but it just happens.  I generally like my classes, but they definitely keep me occupied.

2) My roommate, Anne, is the bomb.com.  If you don't know what that means, that means she rocks.  She is a mixture of a close friend, a puppy, a mom, a tutor, a sister, and a counselor all in one. She is today's Renaissance woman. GO ANNE!

3) I am a recruitment mentor for sorority recruitment/rush in January.  Therefore, I had to disaffiliate from my sorority.  It's sad but I know it is a great opportunity and I will love it in the end.

4) I am volunteering at my church here in Omaha.  I help with the junior high youth group and I lead a high school (freshman girls) Bible study.  These kids are hilarious.  Sometimes I forget how awkward being an early teen was... and I am telling you, I was awkward... okay, and still am, but just in a different way.  They say the weirdest things and do the weirdest things, but I love it.  Not to mention, I work with some crazy people too.  Shout outs to Alex, Meghan, Cole, Justin, Ravi, Justin, and Alyse.  You are all ridiculous.

5)  My Apartment in the Old Market is so awesome.  BEST location ever and SO much fun.

6) Church and Bible study are going really well.  I joined a faith sharing group with a bunch of girls here at Creighton and it is amazing.  I love them and love hearing their insight and encouraging words every Tuesday night.  Church at Stonebridge is going well.  I am excited I was able to get involved with the student ministry and that I have been meeting a lot more people.  I also went on the Encounter with Christ retreat with Campus Ministry this past weekend and I had a blast.  It was so fun meeting new people, having CHRIST and Faith as the focus of our lives, and to just be able to spend a weekend in the woods focusing on our relationships with others, with ourselves, and with our Creator.  It was breathtaking.

7) My sister, Jackie, got married 3 weeks ago! I love my new brother-in-law, Matt.  The wedding was so remarkably beautiful and SOOOO much fun.  I think my love for dancing, laughing, and being weird scared EVERYONE at the reception.  One of my cousins even asked my parents, "Is Beth always like this?" Their answer? "YES." I am so proud.  LOVE YOU MATT AND JACKIE WILD!

8) My Dad has gone through one consolidation treatment of chemo and actually was just admitted into the hospital again today for the second.  At the moment, there are no traces of leukemia, but they want to make sure he stays in remission.  Keep praying for him please.

9) Barack Obama was elected as the 44th president of the United States. Now, I think politics are important, but have never liked being over political.  But in this case, I will be... YESSSSSSS!!!!!!! I am very happy.  I am excited that our country stepped up and opened up to change, even if we don't know what the road ahead looks like.  Look to Syler Thomas' blog (the site is in the side bar -----> ) and read his blog post from November 1st... I LOVE it.

Well that's the general update.  I will make sure to keep posting!

PRAISE GOD!

MY DAD IS HOME!!!!!!!!!

Crazy Month

So it has been about a month since I posted last... and I apologize for that.  It really has been a crazy month.  

I was back home in the Chicago area working full time, interning with the junior high at my church, visiting my Dad in the hospital as much as possible, and spending time with friends and family.  This past summer hasn't really felt like much of a summer at all.  With the combination of stress from both work and my Dad's health, my mind and body were kind of going crazy.  I finished work the 2nd of August and I was pretty happy about it to say the least.  There are going to be a few people that I miss, but overall, I am very ecstatic.  I was not very happy there; I was stressed out from customers, I had issues with one of my coworkers (as did every other employee with the same girl), I was being yelled at and chewed out for ridiculous reasons, and it just ended up being a very negative environment in my opinion.  I will miss the couple of coworkers that were really good people. But otherwise? I am happy to move on with my life.  Working with M.J. and the junior high youth group (Wild Kingdom) at Christ Church Lake Forest went so well.  I loved working with M.J., Carl, and Jess and will miss them dearly.  We became really close and I am sad that I won't be there to help out at any more crazy events :( As for my Dad's health, tomorrow will be day 60 in the hospital.  Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this hard time... especially since I am glad to say that day 60 (as of right now) is the last day he will be in Northwestern Memorial Hospital!  I got the GREAT news this morning.  My mom told me that his white counts are going up and it looked like as long as his platelets went up too, he would be able to be released.  My Dad is an incredible man that has been through so much over these past two months.  Praise the LORD for the miracles He does.  Thank you for your prayers and support.  When he does come home, he will be watched by a home nurse for awhile, but still, at least he is home.  I am sad that I am not back in Chicago awaiting his return.  I am in Omaha right now.  I have been back for about a week and it has been incredible (even though I also wish I was back home to support my mom and dad).  I just have this feeling that God is going to move in incredible ways this school year.  He has already been opening my eyes to numerous opportunities to take advantage of.  I am now going to be leading a small group/bible study for HS freshman girls.  I am really nervous and anxious about it, but also, I am so excited just to bond with that age group.  I am also getting to know more people in the church around my age, which is super encouraging and definitely a blessing!  This is also just a time I have been able to bond even closer to my friends at Creighton.  I love each and every one of them and it just seems so natural and right to be back.  PRAISE HIM for what he is doing.  I have a GREAT roommate too.  Everything is just.... reallllllly good.  I don't know how else to say it.  But PRAISE THE LORD.

Another iTunes 10

THESE ARE SO FUN! No, really, I really enjoyed doing the last one so I wanted to do another.  Hopefully this time, my songs will be interesting!!!!! So. HERE. IT. GOES!!!!

1. Your Guardian Angel: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus- This is a gorgeous song.  This band has a pretty edgy, rocker sound normally, but this song is just completely stripped and raw and real. So beautiful and very captivating lyrics.  It really embraces love and the connection between two individuals.  It is about devotion and faithfulness for eternity.  "Even if saving you sends me to heaven."  I just like them a lot. AND this song.

2. The Carpal Tunnel Of Love: Fall Out Boy- I used to like this band a lot... but now, not so much.  I mean, they are fine, but they don't really intrigue me anymore.  I find this song rather whiney and honestly, I don't really understand anything he is saying.  It just sounds like usual Fall Out Boy... and it bores me.  

3. The More I Seek You: World Mandate 2006- First of all, if you love missions and worship music, you need to go to world mandate (missions conference in Waco, TX).  It is an incredible experience.  This song is stunning.  It is about learning to love God more and being completely devoted to him.  It expresses the longing each human being has to be closer to our CREATOR and our desire to love and be loved.  As the song says, It truly "is overwhelming." Not to mention the singers and musicians at world mandate are incredibly gifted.

4. The Prince You Charmed: Youngstown- AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyone remember these guys? Yeah, L-A-M-E boy band.  This is again one of those CD's I just found and imported.  But this song is especially hilarious because it was in that Disney Channel Original Movie  The Genius.  In case you need your memory refreshed, that is the one about the really smart kid who goes to college at a really young age, but then also goes to junior high and acts like a punk kid because he doesn't feel like he was ever a kid.  He also likes to play hockey. Hilariously awful movie... AND song.

5. Colors: The Rocket Summer- The Rocket Summer is incredible.  ONE man (Bryce Avary). Plays EVERY instrument by himself.  The only time he has a band is when he is doing concerts/on tour.  I saw him live and he recorded a song by himself right on stage... it was incredible!  So when you are listening to this song on the CD, it is ALLLLLL him.  That makes me like him even more because I know it is true talent. This song isn't one of my favorites, but it is still a really great song... mainly because Bryce makes is great.

6. Umbrella (Rihanna cover): All Time Low- Of course most of us have heard the Rihanna song "Umbrella" at some point, but have you ever heard a pop punk/alternative rock cover? Well this is one.  I love All Time Low and have for awhile now.  Ever since I went to college, I really started getting into the pop punk and alternative music, and these guys pretty much define the genre.  They are cocky and weird live, but they are some of the best entertainers I have seen live.  They bring so much life and personality to every song... enough to make a hip hop song FABULOUS in my eyes.  All Time Low... two big thumbs up!

7. It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door: UnderOath- Oh how well I remember my junior year of high school and my screamo/hard metal phase.  I have seen this band preform 4 times and I remember distinctly going CRAZY when this song played.  I remember the rest of the kids in the audience sweating and throwing punches while screaming the lyrics as loud as they could.  Although I am not quite a huge fan of screamo anymore, this is still one of my favorite UnderOath songs.

8. Far Away Girl: Drew Thomas- Drew Thomas went to high school with my two older sisters and he helped lead/guide the worship band in Wild Kingdom (junior high youth group) and SHYG (high school youth group).  I was around him just because I sang both bands.  You most likely have never heard this song and I don't know if you ever will, but if you really enjoy mellow, acoustic music and talented singers, ask me for his CD.  It is great. I love to just sit and listen to his music... it is really good thinking music.

9. Accidentally In Love: Counting Crows- This song makes me happy... I don't know exactly why, but it does!  It is just so upbeat and... well... happy.  I also think it is in Shrek 2.  If not, it reminds me of Shrek for some reason.  I associate songs with movies way too often. 

10. Would You Go With Me: Josh Turner- Josh Tuner= winner for the man with the lowest singing voice... ever... and, it's country.  Girls just swoon over his voice... personally, this song makes me just want to go line dancing.  I already told you, I am not a country fan.  

A Stolen Innocence

Right now, I am finishing up a book called A Stolen Innocence by Elissa Wall.  Some of you may have heard about this book, but for those of you who haven't, it is about (and written by) a girl that grew up in the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) which was eventually run by Warren Jeffs.  Elissa tells of her family, her encounters with the prophets, her questioning her faith, her marriage at age 14 to her first cousin, her escape, and her struggle for justice.  

I don't want to get into details too much because I think YOU should read it.  It is incredible.  It isn't the fastest read, just because there are so many details and sometimes it gets confusing, but it is interesting every step of the way nonetheless.  So go read it.  

Song List? Most Random?

I am pretty notorious for the "mixes" I make.  If you look through my iTunes, you will notice right away that I have a pretty...umm..."eclectic" taste in music.  If you are lucky enough to get your hands on one of my mixes, you will not be disappointed... just amazed at how random and weird I truly am.  Nowhere else can you dive into the realms of 80's dance music, tv show theme songs, screamo, hip-hop radio jams, and those boy band classics (you pretend to hate) all in one than in a single one of my homemade, fabulous CD mixes... PERFECT for road trips.  Not joking.  How do you think I actually survive the 8-hour trek to Nebraska?

So one of my friends at school does this little thing on her blog called "iTunes 10".  She puts her iTunes on shuffle, then lists the first 10 songs that play and talks a little about each song and what it means to her.  She suggested I do this because of m

y random musical taste...so here I go...

iTunes 10

1) Fin: Anberlin- I have been a HUGE fan of Anberlin for years.  They are incredible live as well as on their CD's.  This is one of my favorite Anberlin songs... it is not only beautiful musically, but this band never fails to deliver heartfelt lyrics that are really impacting when you just sit back and listen.  Just beautiful.  Nothing bad to say... not to mention, I like the gothic choir touch in the middle and end.

2) I'll Forever Sing: Run Kid Run- This is a band that I heard about within the past year or so.  I haven't gotten too into them quite yet, but this is for sure my favorite style of music.  They have great potential... I just need to give them some more time.  This is the first song I heard of theirs, so it is the one I am most familiar with at this point.

3) The Runaways: Anberlin- Another Anberlin song... so good.  This is one of those songs that just really hits home, unfortunately.  This band is just not afraid to deliver powerful lyircs... nothing bad to say... 

4) Penny & Me: Hanson- HANSON! Of course we all remember them during their adolescent "MMM Bop" days, but this song is definitely more recent and I think fairly represents who they are musically.  Of course they will always be those long haired brothers that wooed me with their high voices, but this song shows that these guys actually do have talent, despite the public's tainted view of them.  They have really good voices and amazing harmonies. 

5) Popular: Wicked Musical- For anyone that hasn't seen "Wicked", do me a favor and GO SEE IT.  It is incredible.  Hilarious, gorgeous, and touching.  This song is so funny... but if you listen to it, I suggest watching the scene on youtube or something, because just listening to it doesn't do it true justice.  Kristen Chenoweth has an INCREDIBLE voice and this song just fits her character to the tea... just watch/listen to it.

6) Dreamer: Bethany Dillon- Bethany Dillon is an incredible Christian artist with stunning vocals and an incredible gift of playing the guitar.  The message of this song is powerful.  It addresses faith as well as the power and the love of GOD.  The King in this song is Christ, doing all he can for his kingdom, us.  He fights for us, calls us, loves us... and we believe in Him no matter what.  We answer his call and we can dream of a Heavenly Kingdom for eternity.  

7) This Side: Nickel Creek- I am not a huge country music fan, but the bluegrass style of this band is compelling.  This song, although I like it, doesn't show off the instrumental talent of these three individuals.  Although the vocals are quite impressive and the harmonies are nothing less of great, the actual playing of the guitar, violin, and mandolin are not showcased at their best in this song.  Still a good song though.

8) My Love: Justin Timberlake- Make fun of me all you want for having him on here, but anyone who doubts his talent is psycho.  I am definitely not his biggest fan (See Jackie Cavender for this one...), but he is an incredible entertainer and singer.  This song to me is just a feel good song that is so easy to just put on in the car and drive to.  This is just a really fun song that happens to be sung by a very talented individual.

9) Never Giving Up: 98 Degrees- Okay, this one deserves to be made fun of.  I was cleaning out my room recently and I found a ton of old CD's.  I just imported all of them and this CD just happened to be one of them.  They are ridiculous.  This is just one boy band that will never ever measure up to NSYNC or Backstreet Boys... ever.  This song has actually never even been played on my iTunes yet... so there you go.

10) If Your Lucky No One Will Get Hurt: Daphne Loves Derby- I first heard this band when they opened up for Anberlin at Sokol Auditorium.  I like them a lot.  Even thought they are rock/alternative, the main singer's voice is super soothing and this song is just a good relaxing song.  This song to me is perfect study music.  Not soft enough to go to sleep to, but perfect when writing a paper or studying for some test.  Just good atmosphere music. 

Well, my list wasn't too incredibly random, but y'all just got a little taste of some of my music.  I will have to do another one of these sometime soon.  They are kind of fun!  Hopefully next time we won't encounter any 98 degrees.

Here is a little keepsake for you....

Faith

Tomorrow will mark the 3 week period my dad has spent in the hospital receiving treatment for AML. Originally, the plan was for him to be in for about a month, but now, plans have changed. After a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday, the physicians still found some traces of the leukemic blasts. They are going to be doing another biopsy tomorrow to get a clearer picture, but it looks like my dad is going to be going through another round of chemo treatment. So the estimated 3-4 weeks in the hospital is looking more like 8 weeks by the end of this specific treatment.

It is so easy to get caught up in the "why me?" and "why our family?" This experience has been the most stressful and broken times our lives, and yet, remarkably and by God's GRACE, we are able to look to Him. This past month has been an incredible time of learning. Learning how to trust in Him, learning patience, learning how to trust physicians, learning compassion, learning how to spend more time with our Creator, our GREATEST LOVER. Today's sermon at church hit so close to home (y'all should have been there... it was great!). During times of struggle and brokenness, we should be thankful. We should rejoice in the fact that the world is not perfect and that we all fall short and that there is pain. I know that sounds nuts. I thought so too... but here is the punchline: Then we can fully accept God's MERCY, GRACE, and LOVE. If the world was perfect and just, we wouldn't need God. We fall short of the GLORY of GOD so that when we are in our most vulnerable and broken position, He heals us. We can then say with full confidence, "God is Great".

It would be so easy to blame God and curse His name for the stress and heart ache He is causing my family... but instead, we choose to rejoice and worship because that is Faith. That is where HE is calling us.

Rest In Peace Mr. Sheehan

Back in elementary school, Juliana (Jules) Sheehan and I were pretty good friends.  Over the years, we have drifted apart.  Not for any certain reason, but really just in the way people grow up and grow apart.  I hadn't seen her in a couple years... up until 5 days ago.

Saturday, I went to Northwestern Memorial Hospital downtown to visit my Dad for the first time since he had been admitted.  I was gone on the Chicago mission trip during the first week of his treatment so I was happy that I was finally able to go visit.  My mom and I went up to the cancer treatment floor and as we were passing the visitor room, my mom stopped.  "Do you know who that woman is?" she asked, referring to a woman sitting on the windowsill.  "Umm... I don't know... I don't think so..." I responded.  "That's Juliana's mom."  I looked at her again and recognized her right away.  She saw us and came out to talk.  She told us that her husband/Juliana's dad was in for treatment and that he only had a couple of days.  My heart broke.  Later that afternoon, Juliana knocked on my dad's door.  I went outside and we hugged... we hugged in a way that made us seem like we were still the best of friends since the 3rd grade.  She told me about her dad, his MS, and previous case of cancer.  We both talked about our fears and basically how much this whole thing SUCKED.  We encouraged each other and vowed to pray for one another and keep in touch.  I was amazed at how this horrible disease actually brought us together again.  I thank God for uniting us and having that accountability in an area of life that is so unpredictable.

I PRAISE the LORD for gradually making my Dad better.  I PRAISE HIM in the fact that he is active and his platelets are growing in number.  Unfortunately, the Sheehan family experienced a great loss this morning- Her father passed away.  A great man, father, and husband was lost today... and it really makes me think and reflect on my own family.  It makes me remember to cherish every moment.  How unfortunate it is that we need a loss to actually understand what we really have.  I AM BLESSED.

Pray for the Sheehan family.  Pray that they find great comfort in the LORD.  Pray that their hearts heal and that they would rejoice in the fact that the very special man that was in their life is now in Heaven.  Pray for strength.  Also, please continue to pray for the healing of my father.

You will be greatly missed, Mr. Sheehan (1956-2008). Rest in Peace.

Chicago Mission Trip

Friday night I returned from a five day mission/service trip to downtown Chicago with my Church's Junior High Youth Group (Wild Kingdom).  I, along with four other incredibly awesome and Godly leaders, helped lead 23 students downtown as we served others and the Lord.  

I am interning with M.J. Seiwert, the Junior High Youth Group Pastor, this summer.  Although going on the mission trip wasn't required, it was a pretty important part of the internship.  I thought the two other interns were going to attend as well, but I found out later that they were both unable to attend.  I was both nervous and bummed.  I didn't really know any of the other leaders besides M.J..  Also, my internship and work with the youth group had been primarily internal before the trip; I hadn't interacted much with the students.  When I looked at the finalized list of students, I was for sure freaking out.  I recognized one name out of 23.  ONE... and that was because this was the son of one of the leaders.  Not only did I not know most of the students attending, but for a long time, I was the only female leader signed up.  A couple of women told M.J. they were able to lead, but at the last minute, they dropped out.  For a few weeks, I was planning on leading eight junior high girls all by myself.  We prayed a TON in preparation for the trip-- We prayed for female leadership, guidance, trust, patience, and understanding.  This was going to be my 9th mission trip... and I had never been so nervous beforehand.

A couple weeks before departure, Dan McKinney Jr., one of the male leaders, told us that a friend and classmate of his, Bri Link, would be able to help lead.  WHAT AN ANSWER TO PRAYER.  I was really excited that there would be a second female leader on the trip.  After this, I started praying that Bri and I would get along well and work positively together.  

After a ton of preparation and prayer, the day had arrived.  We all met at Christ Church in Lake Forest and began to load luggage into the vans.  I looked around carefully at each of the students trying to figure out who was who.  I introduced myself and did my best to connect the faces with the names.  (If you know me well, you know I am HORRIBLE with names.  I am WONDERFUL with faces and I know if I know someone... I just lack in the whole memory department... hence why I am an art major...)  All the girls were incredibly shy... I probably freaked them out a lot since I was trying to be as friendly and bubbly as possible.  Once everyone arrived, we prayed with the parents and then separated into two groups: serving group 1 and serving group 2.  Serving group 1 was led by Vince Pierri Sr. and myself.  Serving group 2 was led by M.J., Dan, and Bri.  Each group separated into their own 15 passenger van.  These groups were vital on the trip.  Those in our group were going to be the people we spent the entire week with and with whom we went to every serving project with.  Serving group 1 and 2 never worked together and really only saw each other during free time and debriefing.  We headed off.  I was pretty excited Vince and I were leading together... I didn't know him very well, but could not wait to spend more time getting to know him! 

We arrived downtown at the North Park University Campus where we were staying in apartments.  We were there with a program called the Center for Student Missions (CSM).  Going downtown, staying in the apartment, and working with this program flooded my mind with memories.  When I was in junior high and in Wild Kingdom, I too went on the Chicago Mission Trip.  As an incoming 7th grader, I actually attended the absolute FIRST Chicago trip Wild Kingdom had.  I also attended the trip after my 7th and 8th grade years.  Those three summer experiences are what definitely launched my passion and heart for serving others and for the mission field.  Returning was so sweet and I could not wait to get started.

After settling in, getting to know each other a little bit better, and discussing rules and expectations, our team met the two CSM leaders/hosts (J.D. and John) that would be leading us around the city.  They discussed our schedule for the week and further explained the expectations of CSM.  J.D. was the host for my group, serving group 1, and John for serving group 2.  Our first outing was to an Ecuadorian restaurant where we would be having dinner.  A really big part of staying and working with CSM is that teams eat some sort of ethnic food every night.  NO McDonald's.  I was so excited... I LOVE LOVE LOVE ethnic food and am pretty open to trying new things.  Later in the night, we went on a prayer tour around the city.  As we drove through different neighborhoods, J.D. talked about different communities and issues in which they face.  He explained to us the impact of gangs, the lack of educational opportunities, the issues of affordable housing, and tons of other things.  Even living in the Chicago area for most of my life, I know little about the REAL Chicago. We drove past struggling churches, health clinics, and daycare facilities, praying that God would reveal Himself even further to the members of the communities and heal the brokenness.  We prayed that God would give wisdom to civil and social leaders.  We prayed that God would break down the gangs and injustice.  After seeing these worn down communities, we then drove down Michigan Avenue.  It was really shocking.  We went from an area where the average home cost $65,000 to an area where the average apartment/condo cost $1.5 million dollars.  Disgusting.  I have walked down Michigan Avenue many many times, but never have my eyes been so opened to the differences in the communities.  It was a really enlightening night.  I was so excited to hear the opinions and thoughts of the students.

The next day, my group drove to the Carole Robertson Center.  This is a pre-preschool/preschool for low income children and families.  While parents are looking for jobs or working, this center watches their kids and teaches them basic lessons.  Our students were divided into pairs and placed in different classrooms for kids between the ages of 3 and 5.  These kids were the cutest... absolutely adorable.  We played games, sung songs, played outside, and read stories.  We went back two other mornings as well.  I was just amazed at the bonds that were created between the kids and the junior highers.  They really touched my heart- it was just a small example of the love and compassion of Jesus Christ and the love God the Father has for each of his children.  I was so proud at how well the students worked with the little ones.

That Afternoon, we went to the Greater Chicago Food Depository to repackage corn flakes.  The GCFD packs different food and drink items and distributes them to food pantries and soup kitchens.  The corn flakes came in 44 lb. bags that we opened, then scooped 8 ounces of into smaller bags, which were then weighed, sealed, labeled, and boxed for distribution.  After a couple hours, our serving group bagged over 5,000 bags of corn flakes!  WAY TO GO GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

That evening, we went to dinner at an Algerian restaurant and then returned to the base for debriefing.  The entire team/group would share their reactions from the day with one another and tell any "God Sightings" or anything exciting that happened.  We did this every night, and for me, debriefing was always the highlight of my day.  I loved hearing stories from the day and hearing students talk about their thoughts and reactions.  God is so good and it was incredible hearing about the things HE did for them and revealed to them those days.  

The morning of second full day of the trip, my serving group went on their "immersion trip."  Our serving group of 14 people was split in half- two groups each with one leader and 6 students.  CSM assigned each group to a location in the city, gave us a map and $14, and then sent us off.  The purpose of the "immersion trip" is to experience what life is like (for just a day) trying to live off of $2 a day.  I led a team of 6 students to Michigan Avenue.  I was really nervous about leading my own immersion team.  Would if we got lost?  Would if a student is left behind?  Would if we get in some sort of trouble? I don't really know how to use the "L"... what do I do?Dozens of questions and concerns floated through my mind.  Not only was I responsible for myself and trying to figure out what the heck I was doing, but I was a guide and leader for 6 others.  I was just incredibly thankful that I received the trip to Michigan Avenue, a very familiar area.  I was also greatly comforted by J.D. and John's words of affirmation and positive attitudes in that I would be perfectly fine.  Looking back on it, I think that me being so nervous about the trip was silly... we were PERFECTLY fine.  No issues whatsoever.  We didn't get lost, we got on the right trains, we made perfect timing, and it was a gorgeous day.  My group could only really afford lunch at 7-eleven (since we were only given $2 per person).  We each got a hot dog and shared a big bag of chips... nothing special, but we even had extra money at the end.  I challenged my group to meet and talk to a lot of people, get out of their comfort zones, and to really open their eyes to what God is doing on Michigan Ave.  Look at the homeless and the men/women on the streets.  Look at how others react to them.  Be thankful for all that you have been blessed with.  I really was eager for them to get a lot out of the trip.  I was so proud of the kids, because they really listened and did everything I asked.  I would have been proud no matter what, but they went ABOVE and BEYOND what I was expecting, and it really allowed me to thank and PRAISE the LORD for their willing hearts.  It also made me realize that I cannot put limits on what I think the students can do... they are capable of so much!!!!!  We talked to four individuals: a fisherman, a trolley lady, a homeless man selling "StreetWise", and a film maker.  Most of the conversations we had were pretty casual and laid back.  The one conversation that really stuck out in my mind was with the homeless man, Darian.  We gave advice to the kids, "Stay out of gangs and stay in school.  I am not a bad guy but I made a lot of bad decisions.  Stay out of gangs.  I have one thing, and that is God.  That's all I really need.  The most important thing."  He was friendly, open and honest.  I don't think many of the students had ever talked to a homeless man before, so it was incredible seeing them interact with no judgement .

That afternoon and evening, our entire serving group did a scavenger hunt on Devon St. and then served in the Good News Community Kitchen (very similar to a soup kitchen).  Both events were pretty stressful for multiple reasons (especially from a leader perspective).  I tried to remain positive and thankful though, keeping Christ in mind and His attitude.  Good News was VERY VERY VERY demanding, but I was incredibly blessed to have met some amazing people.  I talked to one middle aged man that was a former veteran and civil worker who was now disabled.  He told me about his past and the CRAZY things he saw and experienced (if you wanna hear some of the stories, just let me know and I will tell you... there are too many to write down on here).  He was so real and so friendly.  Another woman I met at Good News was an elderly woman named Martha.  She came late to dinner and was the last one served the cold food.  We were all cleaning the room and noticed she was the absolute last person in there.  I went over and asked her if I could help her pack her food up (she had brought a bunch of paper cups to store her leftover food in) or help her clean away trash.  We just started talking and everything was so fluid and natural.  I have never met someone so sweet.  She was probably around 4'10'' or so, only had a few teeth, and her hair was matted into pigtail dreadlocks.  She carried a couple of bags with her that contained some pretty random things like an owl pillow.  She told me about how she liked going to Good News but the problem was, was that she always showed up late and got served cold food and there would be no one there to talk to.  I told her to come early and get a ticket so she could enjoy both the warm food and some company.  She didn't have a very good memory; she repeated herself DOZENS of times.  She also told me I looked like one of her favorite actresses from the 1940's except she had blonde hair and I have brown.  I helped her pick out a couple of free books that they had at Good News and helped her repack her bags.  I absolutely adored talking with her.  She gave me a huge hug at one point and even though she didn't have a very good memory, she did remember my name (and I, hers).  She is definitely someone I will remember for a long time.  After we served dinner at the Good News, our serving group had dinner at a Peruvian restaurant... which was INCREDIBLE. SOOOO good.  They day ended once again with worship and an incredible debrief.

Over the next couple of days, our group went to the Carole Robertson Center in the morning and then spent the afternoon at the beach for free time. On the last full day and night downtown, CSM hosted a 20th year anniversary for the CSM program.  We joined other teams from around the country and played games, ate GREAT Mexican food, worshipped together, and then listened to a speaker.  It was cool just winding down and meeting others with the same passion for missions and Christ.  Our real last day, we once again went to Carole Robertson, said goodbye to the kids, then headed to the YMCA to hang out with kids ages 9-12.  We played some INTENSE dodgeball and just hung out and played other random games.  It pretty much just rocked.  That night, we ate our last meal at a Thai Restaurant (this meal was probably my favorite) and then headed back to the site, packed and loaded up, said our goodbyes to the hosts, and headed back to Lake Forest.  

God did so much for our team that week.  He opened each person's heart and mind to every experience, good or bad.  He really challenged us too seek HIM and look at HIM amidst both strong and weak points.  He gave us compassionate hearts like His Son.  He softened my heart for the students and really allowed our entire team to bond beyond expectations.  I fell in love with each girl... ESPECIALLY BRI (the other female leader).  She is an amazingly Godly woman.  We literally stayed up for hours after lights out and just talked.  We laughed, cried, shared our concerns and fears, our hopes, and gave each other words of affirmation and advice.  I have never bonded so fast with someone in my entire life.  It was an enormous blessing from God to have her there.  It would not have been the same.  We also did our morning and evening devotions together and with all the female students.  It was a really solid time to just connect on a deeper and more spiritual level with each other.  I love each of them.  They are hilarious and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.  I was also very blessed to have gotten to know all the boys as well.  They were so vital to the team.  J.D. and John, the two hosts, were incredible.  They were so encouraging, optimistic, and open to sharing about their life.  They definitely helped make this experience a positive one... not to mention J.D. unclogged and fixed the girls toilet about half a dozen times... now that takes a good heart! The guy students were hilarious and random and made the trip a whole bunch of fun.  If you wanna see what I mean, look up "Can We Dance With You? (Number 1)" on YouTube.com... you will understand :).  The male leaders were also incredible.  I was sad I wasn't able to spend too much time with Dan or M.J. because they weren't in my serving group, but still, I got to talk with them a little and catch up.  They are two stellar (yes, stellar) dudes.  Vince Pierri, the other leader in our serving group, was amazing.  I don't really know how else to describe him... all I know is that without each of these leaders, the trip would not have been the same.  God blessed our team with solid solid solid individuals.  I praise HIM everyday for the people I met and those on our team.  I am praying for each of them and thanking Him for the blessings poured upon us last week.  We Praise Your Holy Name.

(Thanks for enduring.... that was so freaking long.)

PostSecret is Pretty Much Awesome.

As some of you may know (or maybe know a little too well), I like really dark, mysterious, edgy, emotionally twisted things.  I don't exactly know why, but I always have.  I like music that really digs down into the heart, I love movies that explore the deepest realms of the human soul, and I love reading books that really challenge and provoke thought and discussion.  Every once and awhile, I do enjoy sitting and watching a ridiculous comedy that has no relevance, but if I really had my choice, I would choose something on the other side of the genre spectrum.

If you are like me, you should check out www.postsecret.com.

People from all around the country mail in one of their secrets in some kind of creative manner.  Between 10 and 20 are chosen each sunday and posted up on this site.  A lot of them are raw and twisted, but they are the gut-retching truth.  To me, that is beautiful. Truth is absolutely gorgeous.

Frustration

My Dad was supposed to be admitted into the hospital and start chemo today as you may have read earlier.  But, due to the doctors at Lake Forest Hospital, he wasn't able to.  They were supposed to send my Dad's slides of his leukemic counts and such into Northwestern Memorial Hospital (where he will be admitted) before he could start treatment.  When him and my mom arrived downtown at the hospital to get him checked in after a final doctors appointment, they told him they still didn't have the slides.  Now, he won't be able to go start treatment for another week or two. This is not the first time LFH didn't send the slides either. It's the second. 

I'm frustrated.  Frustrated because no one at the hospital informed him that they didn't have everything they needed before he actually came in to start treatment.  Frustrated because LFH didn't send the slides.  Frustrated because I feel like these hospitals are toying with my family's emotions right now.  Frustrated because I want my dad to get better.  Chemo really sucks... and as much as I would LOVE for there to be another option that is less painful for my Dad, there isn't.  I don't want him to be hospitalized downtown for a month, but if it means that he will get better, then he needs to go.  The fact that this treatment keeps being pushed back more and more is so obnoxious and painful... for me and the rest of my family.

God is so good and I know the shepherd always watches out for his sheep... this case is no different... I just pray that I am able to keep a calm and compassionate heart during this time.  Although this is a frustrating time, I am realizing that I am more at peace with it than I ever anticipated.  It's not that I am not sad or scared, because I am.  I just know that God is here with my family and that there are a ton of people praying.  That comforts me beyond explanation.

Read It

http://dncamljourney.blogspot.com/

My Dad and His Journey with AML

In 2000, my Dad got news of low counts of white and red blood cells in his body.  He struggled getting those counts back up, but eventually, they were at normal levels and his health seemed to be better than perfect.  My family was ecstatic.

About a month or so ago, I got a 'not so good' phone call from my parents.  My Dad had more blood and bone marrow tests done to make sure his counts were still up.  Instead of the positive results we were all hoping for, they told him that he had leukemic mircoblasts in his blood and bone marrow.  He was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML).  This 'not so good news' is the understatement of understatements in my life.

I found myself unable to gather any thoughts or words.  I was blank for a good ten minutes or so until I just broke down.  I remember that I was driving back from running errands at school and after I hung up the phone, I just kept driving.  I didn't want to walk back on campus.  I needed silence and I just wanted to drive and drive and drive and drive.  I eventually called a few people to tell them.  I didn't want any advice or for people to say anything; All I wanted was for people to listen.  I just wanted to vent and cry and know that those I love are there.  "I don't know what to say..." people would tell me.  I replied, "I don't expect you to say anything... I just needed to talk..."  

At first, it was minor, but since his diagnosis, it has been spreading faster than we were ready for.  After several visits to a specialist getting different samples and exploring treatment options, my parents decided to have my dad go through extensive chemotherapy.  This would mean that starting June 6th, my dad will get high dosages of chemo for 20 minutes a day for three days and then getting regular/slower dosages 24/7 for a week.  After these treatments are done, he will have to stay in the hospital till the end of the month to make sure he doesn't get infections (since he'll be anemic and his immune system will be down).  I never EVER pictured my dad needing to be hospitalized for 3 1/2 weeks for having cancer.  Never in a million years.  

This scares me a lot.  As strong as I try to be, this breaks my heart.  I know I have to be strong and positive, but also, I can not hold back how I am feeling.  This is opening up opportunities for my family to express themselves emotionally more than we ever have before.  I am positive and I want to look to the plan God has in store for us.  God is really testing the Cavender family that is for sure.  I think the greatest thing about this whole situation is that my dad is remaining positive.  He laughs and makes jokes (maintaining a sense of humor was one of his number one priorities), talks about it, asks and answers any questions, is getting really into the scripture and spending time with God, and is not afraid to show his emotions.  I have never seen him so raw and real.   This is the man God created.  

A week ago, my dad asked me if I knew what a blog was.  I of course answered, "Yeah!  I have one... haven't you been reading it?"  He hadn't... but he asked if he could make one for him to update and write about everything going on with him.  I helped him create his blog tonight and I know it will be great.  If you wanna check it out, the site is: http://dncamljourney.blogspot.com.  There isn't really anything on it now, but things will be up shortly.  He is really excited about it, which makes me excited.  He is not afraid of telling people about this, but is embracing it and is ready to beat it.

Normally I am not an avid supporter of people just opening up scripture randomly and thinking that the verse they point to with their eyes closed is the one relevant to their lives at that specific moment, but tonight, there was a moment "kind of" like that.  My mom gave me a new journal she found and it has devotionals spread throughout it with Bible verses.  I just flipped it open to a random page and it said,

"Be encouraged.  God's ways are always right.  

They may not make sense.  They may be mysterious,

 inexplicable, difficult, and even

painful.  But they are right. 'And we know that God

 causes everything to work together for the good 

of those who love God and are called according

 to HIS purpose for them.' (Romans 8:28)"

 

It was really comforting reading those words.  I know that God right now is calling me.  I need to answer the door and allow him to walk with me every moment of every day.  I need to seek him every moment of every day.  

What I ask of all of you, is that you would pray and keep my family in your thoughts.  PRAY PRAY PRAY.  I know my Dad and the rest of my family would really appreciate it.  Also, please read his blog.  I know there are going to be some really great posts up and I am sure he would love to answer any questions or would love to receive encouraging feedback.  God Bless you all.

Back in Chi-Town

I got back home Thursday night after spending an extra week in Omaha organizing and moving into my new apartment.  My best friend Carolyn was arriving back in Omaha Wednesday after spending a semester abroad in the Dominican Republic.  I originally talked with her and told her I would be there for her landing, but then later thought it would be fun to make the whole reunion a surprise.  I told her I couldn't make it anymore (and acted super bummed) because my sister was graduating on Friday and my parents wanted me home.  My sister's graduation really was on Friday, but there was no issue with me staying until the day before... I am so sneaky :)  I played along for a good month and a half or so, acting as somber and disappointed as I could.  That Wednesday, Katie May, Joelle Johnson, Emily Arkfeld, and I all went to the airport to pick Carolyn up (after many delays).  As the other three went into the airport to wait for Carolyn to walk down the escalator, I laid down in the trunk of Katie's Jeep.  I just remember the truck opening, and looking out seeing Carolyn react and shout "Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!" It was a great moment.  I really missed my best friend and I am rather impressed with myself that I was able to keep a secret for that long. 

Other than that, nothing too exciting has been going on since I have been back home.  Amanda, my oldest sister, graduated from University of Illinois in Chicago with her Master's degree in Epidemiology and Biostatistics.  I am so unbelievably proud of her!  My Grandma was in town for a few days and she left for home this afternoon.  She is one of the most hilarious people ever, so it was really fun having her around.  I have otherwise been looking for a job and hanging out.  OH, also... I have decided I am going to run a half marathon next year.  I was going to do it in Chicago in October, but registration closed.  I am really excited for it, actually.  Running and I have a love/hate relationship, but once I get past the motivation thing, I like to run.  It will be really tough, but a couple other people told me they wanted to do it with me, so that boosts up my eagerness.  

Well, nothing too exciting... but hopefully more interesting things will come soon!

So Much Space

I am currently sitting in the middle of my new living room... just sitting and thinking and reflecting.  Finals are all over and my mom came to Omaha this past weekend and helped me move into my new apartment.  I have spent the past few nights just hanging out and organizing the space.  I don't remember the last time I have felt so free with my time.  Last night, Anne (my new roommate), her boyfriend Charlie, Anne's Mom, and I went to dinner across the street (HOW GREAT IS THAT?!?!?!) to Nicola's.  We just sat outside, soaked in the gorgeous weather, and ate dinner over light conversation.  It was idyllic.  Today, I am going to be doing the same... just packing things I don't need and putting my things in their right spaces... there is not really much else to say, besides that having my own space and time is incredible.

Blank Canvas

I want to start new.

I have been thinking about this past year a lot lately (as you could probably tell by my last post).  Re-evaluating it, this might have not been the best year for me.  I wouldn't take back anything I did or said, but I see things from a different perspective now that the past is, well, the past.  

There are so many things that I loved about my sophomore year.  I strengthened relationships with people on campus and at home and have established a strong group of friends who love me for me, and vice versa.  I see myself as a more responsible individual.  After taking on various leadership positions and organizational tasks, I better understand how to take responsibility for my actions, delegate, and ask for help when I make mistakes (this one is pretty huge).  I have been able to take classes that actually interest me, like advanced art courses and education classes that are actually relevant to the field.  I have also found a church home here in Omaha; I anticipate Sunday mornings at Stonebridge.  Even though all these things are great, I feel stagnant, inactive, and flat.  I forgot the important things, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen this year. 

I had a rough past summer.  I was living in a new house with my parents, a half an hour north of the home I lived in for 11 years.  I worked between 30 and 40 hours a week at a job filled of negative energy.  I worked with my high school youth group as an intern, feeling distant, inexperienced, and self-conscious.  I lost numerous friendships due to a busy schedule, a distant home, my selfishness, and horrible judgement.  Even though I was around people, I felt really alone.  Not to mention, I could feel my relationship with God drifting away.  And what did I do?  I watched it.  I knew when I came back to school, I had to work on my relationship with HIM, or else I would be a mess. 

As much as I want to say that I have strengthened my relationship with God, I can't.  It is standing in something like quicksand.  All I want to do is grab it, reach out, but my fear and anxiety holds me back.  I am afraid I am going to just fall in and get sucked to a place of no return.  So instead of reaching out an open hand, I keep it "safe" and watch, hoping it won't get any worse.  I always heard that if you move and scramble in quicksand you sink faster... but even standing still, things still sink.  Even though I want to think my faith is remaining inactive and still, slowly, it is fading away.  I want and need to start new.  As much as my fear and doubt is holding me back, I need to remember grace and love.  I am in the middle of a book called The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll, and there is a really great quote:

"Many of us are slumbering under the oppressive opiate of those who

would keep us from experiencing the marvelous grace-filled life available

to those of us who would be made fully alive to it's liberating potential.

WAKE UP!  SLEEP NO LONGER!  THE GRACE AWAKENING IN UPON US!"

I have kept myself from experiencing the free gift.  I have allowed myself to be consumed by other things that I thought would fill the "unfillable" void.  This summer, I want to be liberated and start anew.  I am working with the junior high youth group at Christ Church of Lake Forest as an intern.  I am helping to organize a new program for the kids with another college student and the junior high youth pastor, M.J.. I hope that being in such an intimate position with only a couple other people will allow me to connect and bond with them.  I hope this position opens up greater opportunities for mentoring and fellowship.  I am praying that I am able to be a positive role model for the girls within the youth group.  I pray that I am able to open the door without hesitation and let God change me, heart and mind.  I pray that I keep a balance in my life.  I pray that I become more confident in the woman God created me to be.  I pray that I embrace and love more than I ever have before.  I pray that I am filled with the fruit of the spirit.  I pray that I am better able to forgive and ask others for forgiveness.  I pray that God continues to humble me.  I pray for friendships to strengthen even more than they have been.  I pray that I am able to get closer to my family than ever before.  I want to be the real and true Elizabeth Ann Cavender... (and embracing every moment of awkwardness and weirdness along with it).

I have a lot of changing to do... change is really scary.

But What About My Stuffed Animals?

In a week and a half, I will officially be done with my sophomore year of college.  It's really crazy how fast this past year went.  I remember move-in day like it was yesterday; I remember thinking that the year was going to go by slowly.  Unlike what I thought, sophomore year, 2nd semester specifically, went faster than ever.  I have been a semester without my suitemate Laura and best friend Carolyn, which is just weird.  Laura would make fun of me every day for never waking up to my alarm and now, we have an empty room right next to us with a senior picture of Laura hanging underneath our bathroom clock.  I hope Laura brings me back a pretty Spanish boy when she gets back from Madrid.  I have also gone through a semester no longer being the youngest in my sorority.  I know this is kind of a lame realization, but having new girls creates a completely different dynamic (a good one, don't worry).  I was so used everyone that when the new members came in, it really pushed my class to branch out to some really cool, younger chicks, that honestly, we probably wouldn't know without Gamma Phi.  I am very thankful!  I have also had a year of some crazy classes and WIERD professors.  I don't know where Creighton finds some of these people, seriously....  As excited as I am for classes to be over for three months, wrapping things up is so bittersweet.  I love school and this year has been one of the best years ever.  

I remember when I was little and my biggest worry in the world was whether my dozens of stuffed animals would be okay without me there or not.  My homework was to color in the letters of the alphabet and I never wanted to nap.  Now, my homework occupies several hours in the day and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and fall asleep.  I wish I only worried about the well being of my stuffed animals like I did when I was 5.  ::SIGH::

Wing Frickin' Fling and Another Crazy Week

So, the philanthropy event I had been planning all semester is DONE! DONE! I can't believe it.  I worked so hard on it and there was so much drama, but now, I am all finished.  For the longest time, I didn't actually think it would come fast enough (let alone if it would happen at all).

This past Sunday, March 30th, Gamma Phi Beta held our annual Spring Philanthropy event, WING FLING.  It is a pretty big tailgating party before one of our home baseball games.  We serve chicken wings, veggies, chips, dessert and we raffle off a bunch of great prizes (For example: free half hour massages, tons of different gift cards, and t-shirts).  All the money that we raise from donations, sponsorships, and selling tickets, goes toward CampFire USA, GPhiB's National Philanthropy.  This organization works toward building leadership skills and healthy lifestyle tips in kids all around the country through after school programs.  We tutor at Jackson Elementary twice a week, so being able to donate the money to this organization means so much to us!

As philanthropy chair, I had been organizing this event since the semester started.  At first, everything was going great and working out.  The closer the event became, the more things started to fall apart.  This meant CRAZY stress for me.  It is pretty intimidating holding a position like this.  I jumped right in and had to start planning our MAJOR event and I really had no idea what I was doing.  There were a lot of things that went wrong, but in the end, it was beautiful.  I am so pleased with our turnout and the way all the members worked at the event.  AND people actually showed up... a lot of people... SO PLEASED!  I couldn't have asked for it to go better really... I mean I guess we could have had nicer weather, but that is just a small detail.  We had the event and people came and we raised money for CampFire.  Those are the most important things!

Other than Wing Fling, we had initiation the day/night before for the new girls.  I am a proud "mama" of three (Carolyn Wanberg and I are sharing three daughters in Gamma Phi) and I was able to finally reveal myself after a week of present and clue giving.  It was so fun!  I was hiding in the men's bathroom and they had to find me... seeing their reactions was priceless.  I caught it all on video too, so when Carolyn gets back from the DR, she will be able to share the experience.  

I have a paper due tomorrow at 6pm, but miraculously, I finished it tonight... before 11... this is a major breakthrough!  So, as a treat, I am going to go see All Time Low and The Rocket Summer at a concert in Des Moines with Wirtz. Pretty pumped to say the least.  Otherwise, I don't really have much else going on this week besides art, which is fun work, so it should not be too painful.

Life is good.

Hi. My name is Beth and I am a PROCRASTINATOR. (Response: Hi Beth.)

I frequently ask myself, "Beth, are you meant to be in college?"  After I ask myself this question, the first thought that comes into my mind is, "I don't think you are a very good student..."  This is true.  I get good grades overall, but I'm definitely not the greatest student.  I try to be, though, I really do.  I have tried going to the library every night for a week.  I have tried staying in on a Friday night with my head buried in books.  I have tried being an active participator in class discussions.  I have tried writing papers a week before they are due.  The results?  Boredom and the same grade I would have received even if I had not gone "the extra mile."  I don't get it.  If you work hard and long on something, aren't you supposed to get a good grade and actually learn something from it?  I have found after years of being a student, that my methods of studying are successful in the long run. 

I am a procrastinator.  I will be the first person to admit that to you as well.  To a lot of people, being a procrastinator in school is the worst thing ever (well at least to people at Creighton...).  I take my time, try my best not to stress about homework and tests, and often wait last minute to study and write papers.  Sorry Mom and Dad if you are reading this.  I am not proud of being a procrastinator, but it works for me.  It really hasn't failed me yet.  Of course, I know that if there is a HUGE project due in a class that I know will take forever, I will start it ahead of time.  In most cases though, I wait last minute.  But as I said, I still get good grades (I am so modest).

Let me give you an example here:  WORLD LIT.  I HATE WORLD LIT.  I am not the type of girl who enjoys reading long stories and poems that are difficult to interpret and then have to write papers on them and take quizzes about our knowledge of the details.  I am an AWFUL test taker.  AWFUL.  I sometimes amaze myself, actually, with how bad I am.  Not to mention, I don't have the best memory of details in readings I don't care about (Thanks Creighton Arts and Sciences program for all the GREAT Gen. Eds.).  Anyways, back to the example... I had to write three papers.  Paper #1: I wrote this the night before.  Result: A-.  Paper #2: I spent four days outlining and writing this. Result: B.  Paper #3:  Wrote the day and night before.  Result? A.  WHAT IS THIS?  I feel like the less I think, the better I do. BLAH.

I think a huge part of this is the fact that I dislike many of the courses I am taking.  I can pull off a good grade without truly retaining any of the information.  The classes I actually enjoy don't seem like work even though it is.  I am excited to start getting into more education, development, and art classes... these are the classes I WANT to do well in and the classes I WANT to show off my more "studious" and "eager" sides.  

Unfortunately, until then, I have a feeling my procrastinating ways are sticking... 

I Can Hear the Bells A Ringin'

So I am soon to be the last "official" Cavender girl... Amanda, my oldest sister, has been married for two years and Jackie, the middle sister, just got engaged today. NUTS.  Life is crazy, but so so so full of love, and it's occasions like this that give me a little reminder.  I would say I am pretty good at being optimistic about life and finding joy in the little things, but I LOVE testaments like engagements, births, birthdays, and holidays to remind me just how great life really is.  Praise Him!  My family is glorious.  My sister's are beautiful inside and out, and to know they are happy and loving life brings me soooo much joy.  I love my brother-in-law Elliot a lot and I am so excited to have Matt join our family as well!  Jackie and I were just talking about this after she sent me a picture text message of her engagement ring, but when her and Matt get married, her name will be Jackie Wild. Ha, so perfect.  Not to mention I love weddings.  Dressing up is one of my favorite things to do ever.  Don't get me wrong, I love wearing junky jeans with a t-shirt and hoodie (this is what my outfit is comprised of 90% of the time), but I adore those rare moments I actually take time to "get cute."  Life is so good.  Hectic and crazy some times, but nonetheless, SO good.

Turn Around and Upside Down

Just as things get to a point where you think they are going great, everything freaks out and goes crazy.  Story of my life.

So being the crazy person I am, I willingly took on a number of tasks all at once claiming to be a lover of "the busy life."  Yeah, I lied... and I just realized it.  I think the only reason I like being busy is so that I can ignore issues going on in my own head and ignore problems or plateaus that I don't want to face.  HUGE ISSUE.  I am ignoring these ENORMOUS elephants in the room.  Yes, elephantS... plural.  They are really brightly colored as well... I also really like being needed and being recognized for doing things efficiently and well.  This is all biting me in the butt hardcore.  Things right now are kind of falling apart before my eyes.  Everything I plan is not working out.  That right there is my major problem.  I am planning EVERYTHING I do... I am not going with the flow or hoping things work out, but I plan and they crumble.  I am trying to be this powerful, invincible, crazy college student that is super involved and wants to change the world.  I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing as long as it is for the right reason. As much as I wish I was genuinely doing everything to Glorify the LORD or to benefit those around me, I am not.  I love glorifying His name in everything I do, but instead, I am trying to make myself look better.  So not good.  It just sucks that other people are going to be hit by my selfishness in the long run.

I plan way too much... blah, I need to stop.  God has such CRAZY plans for me that I cannot even fathom.  Another fault of mine?  I am UBER impatient.  But I am even more so excited for the day that the right doors are offered to me and I confidently and securely walk on the path that the LORD has had planned for me all along.   

Love Like a Melody- Varnadore

My heart will beat consistently the sound of love like a melody.

The purest love alive in me is bringing out the best in me.

Don't degrade your lips to speak a source of pain for the world to receive.

Feel the light shining in, fall in love and love again.

Fall in love again.

Love is breaking through, it's taking us to a place where all find hope and hope again.

Grace is what we need, could we believe that this could bring us back, bring us back again.

In life we see the ones who hurt the ones afraid to be alone,

so believe me when you hear me you are not the only one.

We are needy oh so needy feeling what we were not meant to know,

what if really living meant to give our life for something more.

There is so much more.

Only you can bring us back, only you can bring us back again.

These are the lyrics to the song Love Like a Melody by Varnadore.  Just discovered this song on MySpace and I have been listening to it nonstop.  It is pretty incredible.  Listen to it.

The Human Experience

We must rapidly begin the shift from a "thing-oriented" society to a "person-oriented" society. -Martin Luther King Jr.

I have seen poverty and struggle... but tonight, I had a changing experience.  The way I view the world and the way I view all of humanity has been completely altered.  Praise the LORD.

I went to Lincoln, Nebraska with 11 other Creighton students to see a new independent film/documentary called "The Human Experience."  This was probably one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.  I heard about it through Facebook (yeah, I know) about 6 months ago.  I was initially pretty interested, but never looked into knowing more.  My friend Katie told me that a kid named Cam, who I just knew as an acquaintance, had extra tickets to see this and wanted to know if she knew anyone that might be interested.  She gave him my name, and yeah... that's basically how I got to go.  I knew from just watching the trailer that it was going to be good.  It surpassed 'good' by a LONGGGG shot.

The film begins introducing two brothers that came from a difficult home when they were young.  Now, and in their twenties, these brothers live together in the St. Francis House in Brooklyn, NY.  The St. Francis House is a home to adolescents that have experienced abuse, financial problems, drug or alcohol addictions, or to those who just need a place to call home.  These brothers do not have a family beyond the walls of the house.  The younger brother, Jeff, struggles with the brokenness of society and throughout this movie is trying to discover the answer to so many people's questions: What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of the human being?  WHO AM I?

The brothers decide to experience three different cultures of people that modern day society, this "thing-oriented" society, would normally shun and think of as sub-human.

EXPERIENCE I: Living on the New York City streets with the homeless.

EXPERIENCE II: Working with the "lost children" of Peru, kids who have been orphaned and are disabled by birth or by abuse.

EXPERIENCE III:  Working in a leper colony in Ghana, Africa.

On the first experience, the boys thought they would step into their own backyards, literally, and immerse themselves among the community of people that so many try to ignore.  They dropped everything in order to better understand the struggle of a homeless person.  They only had the clothes on their back, they slept in cardboard boxes they found by dumpsters, they begged for food and money, but most importantly, they befriended and built relationships with those that begged with them,  with those who stood next to them in the soup kitchen line, and with those that slept next to them.  There were definitely a couple interviews that stood out in my mind.  One man told the pair that he should probably be dead in the long scheme of things.  With all the things he has done, he should be dead, but because he isn't that makes him have faith more and more each morning he wakes up.  He told them that God has a plan for him and that God is going to use him and he knows it, because otherwise, he wouldn't be living anymore.  The second interview that sticks out to me was with an older woman.  She was telling the brothers about the first time she was on the streets.  She remembered that it was just her and 3 or 4 dogs on the street.  When people passed and saw the dogs, they were quick to call the humane society or their friends, desperate to find safe homes for the animals so they would not freeze to death.  She, however, was ignored and left alone.  There is something so unsettling about this image.  People saved dogs instead of another human being.  Our world is so broken.  She told the boys to remember the important things in life, like family and friends, because in the long run, they are the ones that will save you.  The last night of their experiment on the streets, they were eating in a soup kitchen with a handful of others.  They were being thanked by all the other homeless people for "having balls" and taking a chance just to experience what life is like from the other side.  

For the second experience, the two brothers joined a group called "Surf for a Cure."  This group of surfers travel around the world in search for the best waves.  Wherever they surf, they give back to the community using their gifts and strength.  This is a testimony to just how God wants us to use our gifts, our health, and strength.  On this occasion, the group and the brothers traveled to Peru.  After surfing the waves, the boys began working in a local children's clinic.  The clinic was filled with orphaned children that were disabled due to abuse or natural-born diseases or disabilities.  They played with them and worked on occupational therapy techniques hoping to build their muscles up and work with their disabilities.  These kids, although facing terrible circumstances, were some of the happiest children I had ever seen.  One boy had one leg, and that was it.  He didn't have any arms and was missing his other leg, but he was smiling almost the entire time.  These children face more pain and struggle I think I have experienced my entire life, and I am four times their age... The real world is scary.  Not only did they experience a more difficult lifestyle, but they were happier than me.  The kids were in pain and most could not even walk, yet they giggled and loved and were so full of life.  Funny how that works out.  The guys described these children as true role models on how to act and feel in this world.  You may be in pain and struggling, but embrace those around you and love life.  You are not dead, so take full advantage of the resources you do have.  

The third experience took place in Ghana, Africa.  The two brothers and two other boys they lived with all traveled together so that they could speak with HIV victims and also lepers in a colony outside the city.  The boys spent a significant amount of time in the city working with people.  One of the boys told a story of how his mother died of HIV/Aids.  He was scared and upset at how little time he had with her, so now, he was going to talk to others that were infected and hear their story.  Those interviewed were a mother of a baby who had Aids, and both a young  man and woman both infected with HIV.  It was extremely emotional hearing the individuals talk about their struggles with the actual disease and how to deal with the pain of a loved one who had it.  One of the guys asked the young woman, knowing you have this infection, what do you want your kids to know?  What advice do you want to give them?  She told them that she wanted them to have faith in God.  He is constant, true and strong, and he will guide them.  Everything happens for a reason and he did not want them to be scared or fearful, because God is there for them.  Have faith and be strong.  Someone who suffers so much has so much faith.  I wish I was more like that.  When I struggle, I know I should look to the LORD but it is so tempting to run away from it all.  The boys after this, traveled to a leper colony.  One of the boys said, "I didn't even know there were leper colonies in Africa.  The first thing I think of is the Aids epidemic, not leprosy."  These leper colonies are filled with men, women, and children who are basically decaying and being eaten alive by this bacteria.   They had blisters over their bodies, they were missing hands and feet, some were blind, and their skin looked like it was basically falling off of them.  The boys sat down with the community and laughed and told stories.  They were all together bonding, despite the difficulty of seeing these infected people as the same as the American boys.  One man in the community addressed this issue right away.  He thanked them for coming to the colony and sharing the experience with them.  He told them he loved them and that is a human emotion.  He saw them all as the same, human and human.  They are all humans interacting with one another.  The guys were not building relationships with lepers, but with other human beings that also saw the power of community and relationships.  

We are all human.  Why, then, do we treat others as if they are not?  Just because someone doesn't live in your same community, or doesn't have as much money than you, or is a different religion or race, we should not treat them as if they do not deserve the same love and attention that we give to our own friends and family.  Who am I?  I am a human in search for humanity.  I am a human waiting for communities to love and care.  I am waiting for change.  I am waiting for the "thing-oriented" society I live in to change into a "person-oriented" community.  I need to be a part of creating this change.  We may all be waiting for something to happen and for something to change... but how long can we procrastinate?  How long can we just 'hope'?  We need to show that hope can happen with the help of all people.  I think we need to have more hope in humanity.

Tops the Charts

I think yesterday won the award for "Crappiest Day Ever."  Today could be a close second.  

It was just one of those days where everything seemed to go wrong.  I barely EVER get sick... and of course, yesterday, I start feeling awful.  Hoping it was just a short term bug, I tried sleeping it off.  Instead, this morning, I woke up feeling like death.  Ironically enough, the one class I have on Friday's is a class I can't really miss.  So besides feeling so sick, I had to write two papers about community service for Gamma Phi.  These are awards for National Convention this summer.  That means, I am responsible for representing our chapter of Gamma Phi Beta is regards to anything service or community related.  I still haven't finished them, and they are due tonight... talk about stress and the uncertainty on what to really write.  Also, housing plans are frustrating me and plans are falling through.  The study abroad program I was looking into was denied by the University because Creighton had never worked with them before and the classes didn't match the curriculum.  My best friend is in an entirely different country for the rest of semester.  I am nervous whether or not I get the job I applied for this summer.  One of my relatives is extremely ill and that is stressing out my family.  I am taking the maximum number of credits and I have so many papers and tests due soon.  There is just a lot going on around me and there is a lot going on inside my head...

I am SO stressed out.  That's probably why I am sick. 

I know that God has a plan and I know that He will not give me anything more than I can handle.  I feel like this is a close breaking point for me... I feel like I am going to snap.  I just need to relax and set my eyes upon the important things.  

House Hunting

I have never felt more adult in my entire life than I do right now.  

Friday night, I went house hunting with two of my future roommates.  It's weird to think that in a semester, I will be living in a house... without parents... with my own room... paying rent... cleaning everything... buying groceries... strange.  I probably sound pretty lame right now, saying that.  I have been in a dorm for almost two years, and as much as I am ready to leave, it's kind of scary.  I am not the biggest fan of dorm food... but no meal plan? Hmmmm... Dorms are gross, the temperature is always messed up, and there is no space.  But right now, that is home.  It is hard to imagine not living right on campus.  

As much as growing up scares me to freaking death, I am so excited.  I declared my major.  I applied for a job not in my home town... or my home state.  I am looking for a house.  I am buying my own things.  I am the main organizer for any philanthropy my sorority is involved with.  I know that these things don't make me an adult.  I have a LONGGGG way to go.  But each day, I realize that I have to grow up and can't avoid it.  Some days I just want to run away from all my responsibilities and be immature... growing older but not growing up. 

Getting older is inevitable and growing up is necessary.  BUT, we have to remember that growing up and getting older in age is COMPLETELY different than being boring and growing old.  I never want to be old... OR boring. 

Creighton Goes On and On and On and On...

So, I'm back in Omaha.  I have been back for 9 days now... which is unbelievable.  I feel I have been back for MONTHS.  I love Omaha a lot, I really do.  The more people mock it and make fun of it, the more I love it.  The people who make fun of it are the people who have never been... and I must say they are missing out.  It is no Chicago, LA, or New York, but it is fun... with the right people of course.  I think that going to school at Creighton has shifted my opinion of this underestimated city significantly.   I guess a better statement to make would be that I love Creighton.  Don't get me wrong, I love Sokol Underground, Aromas, Spaghetti Works, The Joslyn, Dundee Theater, and other O-town staples, but without Creighton, I would never have come to love and appreciate those places so much.  

Creighton was the first college I was accepted to but in no way did I think it was the school I was eventually going to attend.  I really wanted to get out of the Midwest... but I guess it just sucked me back in.  I visited another school and had my heart set on it, until my mom made me visit Creighton's campus.  The eight hour drive felt like twenty hours... "twenty" hours of cornfields is a lot too, let me tell you.  I, like those I strongly disagree with today, had a twisted perception of Omaha.  I was expecting a small town with one mall, a couple of franchise restaurants here and there, and a college campus surrounded by corn... and that's about it. 

I was very mistaken.  

As soon as the campus tour ended, I knew I was supposed to be here at Creighton.  I didn't have any reasoning except that it felt right.  My friends at home were very confused by both my reasoning and decision.  I never had second thoughts.  My only concern was that fact that Creighton is a Catholic school.  I am not Catholic but I did go to school with a lot of Catholics. Personally, I did not feel most represented Catholicism in a positive way, so once again, I judged something way too quickly.  Now that I am immersed in Creighton life every single day, I recognize how blessed I really am.  

No, there is not a grand population of individuals with faiths similar to mine, but in some ways I am thankful for that. I love talking with people who are way different than myself... ESPECIALLY in my theology classes.  I get to hear the opinions of others and I get to talk with them one on one.  Even though it is a Catholic school, I am amazed at the range of beliefs and I am thankful that people are so open minded to hear my faith in Jesus Christ.  It isn't about wanting to convert people, but being able to relate, talk to, and love others unconditionally. 

I have a small group of friends who do love the LORD so so so much... Praise HIM.  I am thankful that I can see them every day and see the joy in their faces and see the Holy Spirit working in their lives. I am thankful that I can talk to them about anything and they do not judge me and vice versa.  In number, it is a small fellowship, but it is stronger than most Bible studies or groups I have been in.  I am also thankful for the church I go to here in Omaha.  It is different than my home church, Christ Church of Lake Forest, but still, it is great and I look forward to going every single Sunday.

My problem with coming to school freshman year was that I judged the "college life" way too quickly.  I basically expected to be the only Christian amidst Catholics that would need tons guidance and love from me.  How unbelievably selfish.  I expected everyone to drink and party 24/7 while I was the DD and the good girl.  Again, all about me and selfishly wanting to be the ideal example.  I wanted people to need me. By wanting things/judging college the way I did, I did not benefit at all.  I realized that instead of showing the love of Christ through my actions, I just wanted the recognition.  I didn't give any credit to the Lord.  I judged people wrongly and making it out to be like I was their helper, which is completely false.  I don't do anything.  The Lord does EVERYTHING.

I am learning to love more and judge less every single day... and I am SO thankful.  I think my heart began to change as soon as I joined a sorority.  Old Beth would have said, "Sorority? NO WAY! All they do is party and pay for their friends.  It's only a social thing."  Again... Judgemental.  Gamma Phi Beta, my sorority, is probably one of the best things I have ever been a part of in my entire life.  The first night of recruitment, I met three Christians. Talk about an answer to prayer!  These girls are my home away from home.  Every single girl is there for me no matter what.  I have only known 99% of them for a year, but I feel like I have known them for years.  They are some of the least judgmental people I have ever met.  They love me for me, which is really hard to do sometimes, I know.  They have shown me what true friendships look like; I can confidently say that I will talk to most of them beyond graduation.  I could go on an on about each one of them... but I won't... not yet at least.  I had to come back to Omaha the 4th of January to begin Recruitment/Rush practice and we just finished and had Bid Night.  It was the most draining week and a half ever, but it was one of the most fun times I have had in a while.  We would all spend HOURS upon HOURS every day together and still hang out at night.  When the young girls were going through recruitment, they would ask me why I chose Gamma Phi.  I told them, "They love me for me.  They bring out the best 'me', and even when I am not being the best 'me', they love the worst 'me' as well."  This reminds me a whole ton of what being a Christian is all about and what Jesus did for us.  NO ONE is perfect.  We all make horrible mistakes and fail and are in bad moods, but Christ is always there no matter what.  He is the solid rock in my life.  He saved us from horrible death and gave us life.  Most girls in my sorority are not believers, but even so,they have been some of the truest examples of Christ I have seen.

 

<-- This is my Gamma Phi Beta pledge class on our last night of Rush.