I have been thinking about this past year a lot lately (as you could probably tell by my last post). Re-evaluating it, this might have not been the best year for me. I wouldn't take back anything I did or said, but I see things from a different perspective now that the past is, well, the past.
There are so many things that I loved about my sophomore year. I strengthened relationships with people on campus and at home and have established a strong group of friends who love me for me, and vice versa. I see myself as a more responsible individual. After taking on various leadership positions and organizational tasks, I better understand how to take responsibility for my actions, delegate, and ask for help when I make mistakes (this one is pretty huge). I have been able to take classes that actually interest me, like advanced art courses and education classes that are actually relevant to the field. I have also found a church home here in Omaha; I anticipate Sunday mornings at Stonebridge. Even though all these things are great, I feel stagnant, inactive, and flat. I forgot the important things, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen this year.
I had a rough past summer. I was living in a new house with my parents, a half an hour north of the home I lived in for 11 years. I worked between 30 and 40 hours a week at a job filled of negative energy. I worked with my high school youth group as an intern, feeling distant, inexperienced, and self-conscious. I lost numerous friendships due to a busy schedule, a distant home, my selfishness, and horrible judgement. Even though I was around people, I felt really alone. Not to mention, I could feel my relationship with God drifting away. And what did I do? I watched it. I knew when I came back to school, I had to work on my relationship with HIM, or else I would be a mess.
As much as I want to say that I have strengthened my relationship with God, I can't. It is standing in something like quicksand. All I want to do is grab it, reach out, but my fear and anxiety holds me back. I am afraid I am going to just fall in and get sucked to a place of no return. So instead of reaching out an open hand, I keep it "safe" and watch, hoping it won't get any worse. I always heard that if you move and scramble in quicksand you sink faster... but even standing still, things still sink. Even though I want to think my faith is remaining inactive and still, slowly, it is fading away. I want and need to start new. As much as my fear and doubt is holding me back, I need to remember grace and love. I am in the middle of a book called The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll, and there is a really great quote:
"Many of us are slumbering under the oppressive opiate of those who
would keep us from experiencing the marvelous grace-filled life available
to those of us who would be made fully alive to it's liberating potential.
WAKE UP! SLEEP NO LONGER! THE GRACE AWAKENING IN UPON US!"
I have kept myself from experiencing the free gift. I have allowed myself to be consumed by other things that I thought would fill the "unfillable" void. This summer, I want to be liberated and start anew. I am working with the junior high youth group at Christ Church of Lake Forest as an intern. I am helping to organize a new program for the kids with another college student and the junior high youth pastor, M.J.. I hope that being in such an intimate position with only a couple other people will allow me to connect and bond with them. I hope this position opens up greater opportunities for mentoring and fellowship. I am praying that I am able to be a positive role model for the girls within the youth group. I pray that I am able to open the door without hesitation and let God change me, heart and mind. I pray that I keep a balance in my life. I pray that I become more confident in the woman God created me to be. I pray that I embrace and love more than I ever have before. I pray that I am filled with the fruit of the spirit. I pray that I am better able to forgive and ask others for forgiveness. I pray that God continues to humble me. I pray for friendships to strengthen even more than they have been. I pray that I am able to get closer to my family than ever before. I want to be the real and true Elizabeth Ann Cavender... (and embracing every moment of awkwardness and weirdness along with it).
I have a lot of changing to do... change is really scary.
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