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I want to start new.

I have been thinking about this past year a lot lately (as you could probably tell by my last post).  Re-evaluating it, this might have not been the best year for me.  I wouldn't take back anything I did or said, but I see things from a different perspective now that the past is, well, the past.  

There are so many things that I loved about my sophomore year.  I strengthened relationships with people on campus and at home and have established a strong group of friends who love me for me, and vice versa.  I see myself as a more responsible individual.  After taking on various leadership positions and organizational tasks, I better understand how to take responsibility for my actions, delegate, and ask for help when I make mistakes (this one is pretty huge).  I have been able to take classes that actually interest me, like advanced art courses and education classes that are actually relevant to the field.  I have also found a church home here in Omaha; I anticipate Sunday mornings at Stonebridge.  Even though all these things are great, I feel stagnant, inactive, and flat.  I forgot the important things, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen this year. 

I had a rough past summer.  I was living in a new house with my parents, a half an hour north of the home I lived in for 11 years.  I worked between 30 and 40 hours a week at a job filled of negative energy.  I worked with my high school youth group as an intern, feeling distant, inexperienced, and self-conscious.  I lost numerous friendships due to a busy schedule, a distant home, my selfishness, and horrible judgement.  Even though I was around people, I felt really alone.  Not to mention, I could feel my relationship with God drifting away.  And what did I do?  I watched it.  I knew when I came back to school, I had to work on my relationship with HIM, or else I would be a mess. 

As much as I want to say that I have strengthened my relationship with God, I can't.  It is standing in something like quicksand.  All I want to do is grab it, reach out, but my fear and anxiety holds me back.  I am afraid I am going to just fall in and get sucked to a place of no return.  So instead of reaching out an open hand, I keep it "safe" and watch, hoping it won't get any worse.  I always heard that if you move and scramble in quicksand you sink faster... but even standing still, things still sink.  Even though I want to think my faith is remaining inactive and still, slowly, it is fading away.  I want and need to start new.  As much as my fear and doubt is holding me back, I need to remember grace and love.  I am in the middle of a book called The Grace Awakening by Charles Swindoll, and there is a really great quote:

"Many of us are slumbering under the oppressive opiate of those who

would keep us from experiencing the marvelous grace-filled life available

to those of us who would be made fully alive to it's liberating potential.

WAKE UP!  SLEEP NO LONGER!  THE GRACE AWAKENING IN UPON US!"

I have kept myself from experiencing the free gift.  I have allowed myself to be consumed by other things that I thought would fill the "unfillable" void.  This summer, I want to be liberated and start anew.  I am working with the junior high youth group at Christ Church of Lake Forest as an intern.  I am helping to organize a new program for the kids with another college student and the junior high youth pastor, M.J.. I hope that being in such an intimate position with only a couple other people will allow me to connect and bond with them.  I hope this position opens up greater opportunities for mentoring and fellowship.  I am praying that I am able to be a positive role model for the girls within the youth group.  I pray that I am able to open the door without hesitation and let God change me, heart and mind.  I pray that I keep a balance in my life.  I pray that I become more confident in the woman God created me to be.  I pray that I embrace and love more than I ever have before.  I pray that I am filled with the fruit of the spirit.  I pray that I am better able to forgive and ask others for forgiveness.  I pray that God continues to humble me.  I pray for friendships to strengthen even more than they have been.  I pray that I am able to get closer to my family than ever before.  I want to be the real and true Elizabeth Ann Cavender... (and embracing every moment of awkwardness and weirdness along with it).

I have a lot of changing to do... change is really scary.

But What About My Stuffed Animals?

In a week and a half, I will officially be done with my sophomore year of college.  It's really crazy how fast this past year went.  I remember move-in day like it was yesterday; I remember thinking that the year was going to go by slowly.  Unlike what I thought, sophomore year, 2nd semester specifically, went faster than ever.  I have been a semester without my suitemate Laura and best friend Carolyn, which is just weird.  Laura would make fun of me every day for never waking up to my alarm and now, we have an empty room right next to us with a senior picture of Laura hanging underneath our bathroom clock.  I hope Laura brings me back a pretty Spanish boy when she gets back from Madrid.  I have also gone through a semester no longer being the youngest in my sorority.  I know this is kind of a lame realization, but having new girls creates a completely different dynamic (a good one, don't worry).  I was so used everyone that when the new members came in, it really pushed my class to branch out to some really cool, younger chicks, that honestly, we probably wouldn't know without Gamma Phi.  I am very thankful!  I have also had a year of some crazy classes and WIERD professors.  I don't know where Creighton finds some of these people, seriously....  As excited as I am for classes to be over for three months, wrapping things up is so bittersweet.  I love school and this year has been one of the best years ever.  

I remember when I was little and my biggest worry in the world was whether my dozens of stuffed animals would be okay without me there or not.  My homework was to color in the letters of the alphabet and I never wanted to nap.  Now, my homework occupies several hours in the day and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and fall asleep.  I wish I only worried about the well being of my stuffed animals like I did when I was 5.  ::SIGH::

Wing Frickin' Fling and Another Crazy Week

So, the philanthropy event I had been planning all semester is DONE! DONE! I can't believe it.  I worked so hard on it and there was so much drama, but now, I am all finished.  For the longest time, I didn't actually think it would come fast enough (let alone if it would happen at all).

This past Sunday, March 30th, Gamma Phi Beta held our annual Spring Philanthropy event, WING FLING.  It is a pretty big tailgating party before one of our home baseball games.  We serve chicken wings, veggies, chips, dessert and we raffle off a bunch of great prizes (For example: free half hour massages, tons of different gift cards, and t-shirts).  All the money that we raise from donations, sponsorships, and selling tickets, goes toward CampFire USA, GPhiB's National Philanthropy.  This organization works toward building leadership skills and healthy lifestyle tips in kids all around the country through after school programs.  We tutor at Jackson Elementary twice a week, so being able to donate the money to this organization means so much to us!

As philanthropy chair, I had been organizing this event since the semester started.  At first, everything was going great and working out.  The closer the event became, the more things started to fall apart.  This meant CRAZY stress for me.  It is pretty intimidating holding a position like this.  I jumped right in and had to start planning our MAJOR event and I really had no idea what I was doing.  There were a lot of things that went wrong, but in the end, it was beautiful.  I am so pleased with our turnout and the way all the members worked at the event.  AND people actually showed up... a lot of people... SO PLEASED!  I couldn't have asked for it to go better really... I mean I guess we could have had nicer weather, but that is just a small detail.  We had the event and people came and we raised money for CampFire.  Those are the most important things!

Other than Wing Fling, we had initiation the day/night before for the new girls.  I am a proud "mama" of three (Carolyn Wanberg and I are sharing three daughters in Gamma Phi) and I was able to finally reveal myself after a week of present and clue giving.  It was so fun!  I was hiding in the men's bathroom and they had to find me... seeing their reactions was priceless.  I caught it all on video too, so when Carolyn gets back from the DR, she will be able to share the experience.  

I have a paper due tomorrow at 6pm, but miraculously, I finished it tonight... before 11... this is a major breakthrough!  So, as a treat, I am going to go see All Time Low and The Rocket Summer at a concert in Des Moines with Wirtz. Pretty pumped to say the least.  Otherwise, I don't really have much else going on this week besides art, which is fun work, so it should not be too painful.

Life is good.