My Omaha 'To Do' List

So, this past weekend when I was at home, I finally booked my flights for New Zealand. I am officially leaving the 23rd of January. As excited as I am, I cannot believe how soon that date actually it! Kind of scary.

Well, because I only have roughly 30 more days in Omaha altogether, I decided to make a 'to-do' list for myself. I have lived in Omaha for almost 4 and a half years now and there are still a bunch of things I have NOT done or things I want to make sure I do again before I depart (hopefully not for GOOD, but we'll see...)

Here's my list... let me know if you would like to join me and take part in these activities... I would LOVE some company :)

1. Take night walks downtown and on Creighton's campus... both just turned on their Christmas lights, so I really just want to walk around and look at them!

2. Eat Sushi. I LOVE sushi. Fact. So I have to eat it at least once before I leave. I know, I know, I can always eat it at home, but I always used to go to Blue happy hour with friends last year, so it is sort of reliving those moments.

3. Visit the Kent Bellows exhibition at the Joslyn. Still haven't done so and I hear it's INCREDIBLE.

4. Take a picture of me standing on the Iowa/Nebraska state line on the Pedestrian bridge. Is this one cheesy and super lame? Yes. Yes it is. But I don't care... I want my picture...

5. Take a couple more walks around heartland park and on the Pedestrian bridge. I love this area of downtown... just really relaxing to me even though the river is disgusting and the geese hiss at you.

6. Have a traditional Nebraskan beer at Upstream. I am not the biggest fan of Upstream's food, but they have some legit beer.

7. Go to the Lauritzen Gardens - Omaha's Botanical Center. I know it's winter now, but hopefully when I go, there will be super pretty snow around.

8. Eat at Amsterdam... never been there? Oh man, you are missing out.

9. Spend an entire midnight trip at the Donut Stop... I wanna see how long I last.

10. I don't even know when the Zoo closes, but I would love to go to the zoo one last time... I LOVE the zoo... except for the alligators. I don't like them.

11. Go to the Omaha Public Library and read. I have never been since I have lived here... I always see police cars outside of it and such, but I am just really curious as to what it looks like on the inside.

12. Have dinner and a movie at the Midtown crossing theater... I love that you can dine in. I have only been to this theater once and I didn't eat.

Well, that's my list as of now... I will probably think of more. If you have any ideas for things to do or you would like to join me in my adventures, let me know!

The Bar or The Church?

CHECK THIS OUT.

Awesome.

RELEVANT Magazine: The Drunk and the Hypocrite.

Guilty Pleasures.

Everyone has guilty pleasures... things we love to do/have/eat, but are sometimes too embarrassed to admit most of the time. I am going to admit mine, however... because let's get real, I have an entire blog about the stupid things I do and all the embarrassing and awkward moments in my life... what else do I have to hide?

1. GLEE.

2. Ice cream of ANY kind.

3. Rap Music... more specifically the rap music on the radio.

4. Acoustic Covers.

5. Harry Potter.

6. Taylor Swift.

7. Blue Moon.

8. Trying on horribly ugly prom dresses at department stores.

9. Target.

10. PostSecret.blogspot.com.

11. Telling people I am too tired to go out when I really just stay in and read or watch a movie.

12. Cooking Magazines.

13. VS Sweatpants.

14. Singing really loud in the car.

15. Super cheap take out Chinese food.

16. Boy Bands... mainly NSYNC.

17. Buying new dresses.

18. Candles.

19. Reading blogs... duh.

20. The song "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith.

21. Any movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.

22. Dying my hair.

23. Christmas Music.

24. Dressing up.

25. Soy Lattes.

26. Disney Movies.

27. Green M&M's.

28. Motorcycles.

29. Tattoos and piercings.

30. Greeting Cards.

31. State Fairs.

32. Love Songs.

33. Chik-fil-a.

34. Miss Me Jeans

35. Themed Parties.

2 months.

It is hard to believe that I leave for New Zealand in two months (well... from yesterday). With my art show consuming most of my time, energy, heart, and mind, I spent little time mentally and emotionally preparing for my departure... and I am just now starting to feel the effects...

I thought I was done being an emotional wreck... Nope. That lasted all of two weeks. I am in a slight panic mode. I am trying to figure out how I am going to see and spend time with all the people I want to before I leave. I am trying to focus on school and actually graduating... yeah, that's a little important at this point in my life. I am trying to pack up my apartment... I can't believe how much STUFF I have accumulated over three years of living off campus. It really is absurd. But most of all, I am trying to refocus my heart on the only thing that actually TRULY matters at the end of the day... My relationship with Christ.

It's easy to push that aside sometimes... putting him lower on my subconscious "to-do" list, taking for granted that loving God is a decision that I have to make EVERYDAY. I have to flee from sin and selfishness, which I am sometimes horrible at doing. If I don't make my relationship with My Creator my priority, there is no way I am going to learn as much as He wants me to learn, love as much as he calls me to love, serve as much and I should serve, and worship as much as he made me too. If I don't live for him and deny myself, New Zealand is going to be merely an experience, merely an internship, merely a trip away from the realities of the United States for half a year.

That is NOT what I want. I want to LIVE for Him in everything I do. Not for my own glory and so the people in New Zealand will see how faithful I am to Him, but so that HIS goodness can shine from even the darkest of pits. And my life is a pit.

I need not only to re-prioritize, but to understand what living truly means... no matter what hemisphere of the world I am in.

Top Ten List

I LOVE top ten lists. There is something about the ranking process that’s truly enjoyable for me… it’s not like I am ranking people or anything, but for me, they are just reasons why I like certain things – you know, just reflecting on how much I enjoy certain life situations. It’s sort of healing. Helps me remember the little things in life and makes me pretty grateful! So, below are a few top ten lists I am pretty passionate about right now… ENJOY!

Top ten reasons I am glad to be done with my art show:

10. I have time to read books for FUN. I don’t really remember the last time I read a book for fun… I am pretty sure it was at the very beginning of the summer. I really like reading (and I wish I did it more), but during the school year, especially with student teaching last semester and then working on my art show most of the summer and the first half of the semester, I have not been able to just sit down and read a book without worrying about finishing a homework assignment or doing research for my thesis. I have a lot of books too, so I am super pumped to just pick one out and start reading. I think I will choose The Hobbit… I find it pretty fitting since I will be moving to New Zealand in January (where Peter Jackson will be starting to film the movie in February).

9. I can paint my nails. When I was preparing for my show, I literally did not go ONE day with completely clean hands. Since I worked with acrylic washes, the paint would splatter and just get all over me. I did not bother to paint my nails since the beginning of summer (until the day of the show), because I knew they would just get ruined the next hour. So now? HELLOOOOO OPI!

8. I have time to clean, organize, and pack up my apartment. Just being honest with you (hope you don’t get too grossed out), but I haven’t done a super good thorough clean of my apartment since probably summertime. I haven’t had a day to dedicate to just clean everything super well. Now, I CAN! Cleaning is actually a really good stress reliever for me, so cleaning, packing and organizing my apartment will help me relax!

7. I won’t cry as much. I am an emotional wreck… For three months straight, I literally cried at least once a day. The record amount? Seven. Pathetic? Yes. Oh well. I get to save money on Kleenex now.

6. I get to blog again! I love blogging. So now, I can blog on a more regular basis and keep all you lovely people entertained… kidding… but really.

5. I can just enjoy the art making process to it’s fullest. Now that my thesis is wrapped up and I am done with my painting independent study, I am only in three classes… two of which are art related. I can go to Life Drawing and printmaking and just enjoy making art without any pressures or feelings of needing to meet some sort of criteria. Being able to draw the figures in life drawing has been great this past week.

4. I can RUN again. I have not enjoyed a good run or workout in… well let’s just say, A LONG TIME. Too long, in fact. I felt like I had hit this huge milestone when I was training for the Lincoln half-marathon and was able to run 8 miles… but when I strained my calf and couldn’t run, I had to start from scratch. Then, horrible timing, my art show comes along and I have no time to run. Now I can… and I can’t wait to just get back into it. It will suck at first, but I know my body will feel so much better than it has for the past few months.

3. I am that much closer to graduating! After 18 years of schooling, I will finally be done (well… for now… graduate school pending). It is crazy to think about. I really like school, especially college, but I am ready for a break. I can’t imagine NOT going to school, but I am excited for the new adventures… and speaking of new adventures…

2. I am moving to NEW ZEALAND! If you can’t tell, I am REALLY excited about this. I have an internship for six months in ChristChurch. I cannot wait to see where God leads me and what he has planned for me there. I know I am going to be really challenged.

1. I get to hang out with my best friends again. Since summer, I have not had a social life. That is not an exaggeration. I have grown accustomed to being by myself… and if not by myself, with Sarah Stormberg, my art exhibition partner. We became really close, which I loved, but at the same time, I was really lonely. I missed my friends and my family. I felt very alone and not being able to hang out or do anything with my friends because I was working on my art bummed me out. I felt like I didn’t even have time to talk on the phone with people. It was miserable. Well, after I was reminded of how much my friends love me by their appearances at my art opening, I cannot WAIT to be able to hang out with them again. YAY FOR SOCIAL LIVES!

Top ten reasons favorite bands/singers/musicians right now:

10. The Spill Canvas

9. Alkaline Trio

8. MuteMath

7. Frou Frou

6. Ben Harper

5. GLEE cast

4. Varnadore

3. Cartel

2. All Time Low

1. The Classic Crime

Top ten reasons I love fall:

10. Fireplaces are being used. If I had to imagine my ideal night, it would involve sitting around a fireplace with friends. I just love fireplaces and fires. Pyro? Mmm hmm.

9. It has great holidays… Thanksgiving and Halloween! Best. Food. EVER at Thanksgiving. And for Halloween? Free Candy, hilarious costumes, and carving pumpkins… sounds like perfection to me.

8. Playing in leaves. Self-explanatory.

7. My favorite months are September and October.

6. The temperature! 50’s-low 70’s… perfection. It means you are not bitterly cold, but it is still chilly enough to get that crispness in the air. ALSO, I hate sweating unintentionally, so the fact that this weather keeps that issue regulated makes me pretty happy.

5. It means Christmas is right around the corner… fresh snow, Christmas trees, decorations, family gatherings, ugly sweaters, the WHOLE she-bang… gosh dang it, I love Christmas.

4. Fall Fashion! I LOVE fall fashion. I love sweaters, coats, jeans, boots, warm socks, you name it. It probably doesn’t help that I work at a clothing store that sells adorable fall clothes so it just makes me want to buy everything. But really, fall fashion is great… and it works well for me because I am known as “the neutral queen”, so it’s a more socially acceptable time to wear neutrals without seeming boring or morose.

3. The smells… pumpkin, spices, apple, caramel, pine, amber, and the other super rich smells that come with it. Thank goodness for candles too… then I can have fall all year round in my apartment.

2. The GORGEOUS colors. Reds, oranges, and yellows. I think the changing leaves and the amazing sunsets and sunrises are just perfect pictures of God’s creativity and His beauty. It’s incredible… photosynthesis.

1. Caramel Apple Cider and Hot Chocolate. Does this really need an explanation for being #1? I think both these delicious drinks are God’s great gift to mankind. Thanks, God, for giving us taste buds to enjoy these spectacular beverages.

RINSE + REPEAT

As most of you already know, I just had my BFA Art Exhibition at Creighton University. Anyone graduating with their BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) in studio art is required to have their own art exhibition in the gallery on campus. After months hard work, countless trips to the art and hardware stores, little sleep, and drama, it finally came together.

I was really fortunate to be able to have my show with a really good friend of mine named Sarah Stormberg. Sarah and I met my sophomore year of college in our beginning painting class. We didn’t become great friends right away, but we began talking and became quick acquaintances. From that class on, we have had almost every art class together. The end of my junior year is really when we started to become really close. When I found out she was also going to be getting her BFA, I thought it would be really cool if we were able to have our shows together. She was unsure about when she was actually graduating, so I didn’t bank on the fact that we would actually be graduating at the same time and be able to have our shows together. Well, after finding out we were going to both be graduating this December and after some other crazy drama happened, we found out we WERE going to be having our show together. Since summer, Sarah and I have been sharing a small studio space together and have been in there working almost everyday for hours on end. Although we were stressed out and crazy busy most of the time, I was so glad to be working with her. She has such a great attitude and is so fun and carefree. She was so awesome to work with and honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better person to have my show with. Not to mention, our work looked AWESOME together.

The title of our exhibition is RINSE + REPEAT. We chose this title because it was a good name for how I technically worked and created my art but complimentary for Sarah in terms of her theme of 21^st century pop culture and a look on feminism and fashion.

Starting two weeks before our opening, Sarah and I were lucky to be able to take down the art show before us and begin installing our work. We had almost every installed and set up in the gallery a full week before our show so that the last week was just fixing and putting together minor details like lighting and patching up scratches on the gallery walls.

Our opening was the 29^th of October. Sarah and I were super nervous. For one, we weren’t sure how people would react or feel about our artwork. Secondly, we really were afraid not very many people would come to our show (since the gallery opening before us only had 75 people total in 4 hours show up). The night came, the food was all set up, and the bar was ready… we were ready too… we thought.

Over a three hour period, over 300 people showed up to our opening… which is INCREDIBLE!!! Thank you to everyone who came and supported us, even if it was just for a few moments! It was really fun being able to see old professors, my family, and friends who have moved away! Even some of my coworkers, classmates, a ton of my sorority sisters, and my cooperating teachers from student teaching came to see my work! It was like a giant reunion. I enjoyed being able to go around and tell people about my work and meet art supporters from all over the area. To be honest, my face really hurt after the night was over because of how much I was smiling and talking. Overall, we had really good reactions to our artwork and everything we had done. I was even able to sell four of my pieces, which was great since all that money is going toward my fund for New Zealand.

I am going to be making a separate blog that displays my artwork and gives descriptions of each piece. Also, since most of my thesis research and background came from interviews with influential people in my life, I will also be including the interviews that correspond to each artwork. When I get that blog up and going, I will let you all know so you can look at my work and read through the meanings more thoroughly… oh, and you can buy the pieces too if you want… J

Be Near.

“I would not know how to be human, how to think as a human being, how to walk as a human being, how to talk or how to eat as a human being except by learning from other human beings. I learn to be human by associating with other human beings. We are thus, according to the Bible, made for family. We’re made for community, we’re made for togetherness, we’re made for friendship. We’re made to live in a delicate network of interdependence, for we are made for a complementarity. I have gifts you don’t have. And you have gifts that I don’t have. Thus we are made different so that we can know our need of one another. And this is a fundamental law of our being.”

[Archbishop Desmond Tutu]

Identity.

It’s crazy the way God reveals Himself to us sometimes. I love the way He reminds us of his goodness, beauty, and love. Through the relationships we have, through nature or the surroundings that make us feel the most comfortable, and through the things we see and what we are learning. I am learning each and everyday about God’s character. Sometimes, it’s in a very subtle way and other times, I cannot help but worship Him and give Him complete thanks and praise for the way he is working in and through me. I am constantly learning, but sometimes, I don’t realize the ways I am learning and I don’t see the way God is proving Himself sovereign because I get too ahead of myself and I focus too much on my own agenda. Just this past weekend, God, once again, revealed himself in a “I just hit you in the face, Beth, with a 2x4 so you would set your eyes on ME” kind of way.

I had a HORRIBLE Friday. Just horrendous. Why was it so bad? Well, it really is a long story with all sorts of little details, but it has to do with my art show. The original plan for my art show was for it to be with one other BFA student in November. The other two art students were supposed to have their shows at the end of October. Well, I guess our advisors were not pleased with the amount of work all four of us did (or, rather, did not) produce over the summer, therefore, deciding that instead of two two-person art exhibitions, we were going to join and have one large four-person art exhibition on the October date. I was slightly frustrated with this decision for a one main reason: less artwork. My artwork/show is a focus on Identity. The main point of my thesis is that we were created by a loving and creative God with intention… that our identity is in and because of Him. So, because we were created in God’s image, we each possess gifts, talents, and positive characteristics to use on this earth for him and for other people. I am trying to stress that our identity is not in what we do but more importantly in who we are and where our hearts are. I interviewed numerous people on their emotional characteristics/traits and their perspectives of purpose and identity. From their responses, I have been painting abstract figurative works of art, which are supposed to represent those people and their answers. I felt that fewer pieces would dismiss or lessened the effect of my thesis for the viewer. To finalize details for the show, our advisors and us students met for a review and critique on Friday. Well, at this critique, we found out one of the art students was not returning to Creighton for the semester and another one of the students requested to push back her show/graduation to the spring… which was granted. So now, the four-person show in October that was arranged turned into a two-person show… more pieces… once again… but now, a month before the original timeline I was on. Not to mention, after we presented our work to the advisors, we basically just got chewed out for being unprofessional and poor representations of the Creighton art department. I understood and respected most of the advice and the things that the professors were saying to us, but all that stuck out to me were all the harsh words, the tough criticism, and my mind kept flashing back to the word failure.

I have, since high school, identified myself as an artist. I guess you could say that being an artist has been part of my identity... it's been something I have not ever been able to separate from "who I am" and "who I want to be". My success, how others view my artwork, and positive feedback has boosted my ego... and criticism and doubt has both crushed it and made me eager to counter the negative feedback. So, to hear these harsh words come from my professors and advisors, this was not just a reality check, but it seemed like a crush against part of my identity. I mean, I am MAJORING in art, and to hear that I might be poorly representing the department? Ouch.

At church, we are going through a nine-week series on the "Gospel-Centered Life." Coram Deo is huge on making sure that we, as Christians, aren't just going through the motions, but that everything we do is keeping the true Gospel at the forefront. That after we accept and believe fully in the Good News of Jesus Christ, that we are growing in our awareness of both God's holiness and of our sinfulness. This past week, Bob Thune, the pastor, went through the Meta-Narrative of history: Creation --> Fall --> Redemption --> Consummation. These are some of the main points that Bob made throughout his sermon... I hope you see the connection I am trying to make and why I was so moved this week by God's words spoken through Bob:

- We have to recognize both the beauty and the good of the world as well as the broken and the bad.

- Truth and meaning are NOT accidental.

- Genesis 1: CREATION. Our identity comes from GOD. He created us in His image and we were made in His likeness. He gives us instruction on what we are going to do with our lives... our purpose.

- FALL: From the fall and because of our sin, we are cursed and separated from God. We naturally want to find acceptance and approval, but we look to other means. EVERYTHING WE DO IS A QUEST FOR PURPOSE, RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND IDENTITY OF WHICH WE LOST IN THE FALL. We think, "How can I make a difference? Make a name for myself?"

- We have a natural desire to measure up... finding ways to define our identity. (Career, relationships, what we are not, etc...)

- We live in what Tim Keller calls a MERITOCRACY. That achievements "prove" our value... but they never will because they are finite things we often look to.

- Pretending (thinking we are better than we actually are) and performing (earning God's approval through what we do) are religious expressions of a longing to measure up.

- REDEMPTION: The GOOD NEWS quenches that thirst

- Two Gospel Truths:

1. Passive Righteousness (Romans 1:16-17) and 2. Adoption (Galatians 4:4-7)

Righteousness is NOT from US but from GOD and we do not have to labor for His righteousness because of faith. We ARE good enough. God adopted us into His family. It is possible to be people without a name to us, without a connections or bond with others... believing in the Gospel means turning from works righteousness and turning from trying to make a name for myself.

REALLY? An entire sermon about Identity, the theme of my art thesis, and just the points I was trying to make in my paper? Wow, God. Awesome. But not only that, but that God was speaking DIRECTLY to me with these words and this sermon. It was not only a reflection on what my thesis is all about, but what I am all about. I have been talking about the importance of Identity and understanding fully that our identity comes from GOD but I have not been living this way. I have been trying to measure up to the standards of my professors and the Creighton art department... I have been putting my sense of self-worth in my art - not in being a child of God, Christ's beloved. My identity is NOT in art. HE is the one who is righteous... NOT me. My identity is NOT in this art show. Yes, it is important, but it is not the ends and means of who I am. My identity is not in meeting deadlines. My identity IS in Christ... so if I succeed, then AWESOME, but if not, that doesn't mean I am a failure or that God loves me less.

It's hard living in a world that stresses so much on "making a name for ourselves"... but that's the reality of it. I am just blessed that God reminded me of HIM before I let the results of the art show meeting effect everything I felt about my worth and my abilities as an artist. I am His.

The Educated Baker.

Steven Kelly, a good friend of mine who I went to Creighton with for all four years of undergrad, is an amazing person. With drive, positivity, ambition, knowledge, and compassion, Steve is starting his own business... The Educated Baker.

It is a bakery that consists of a mentoring program for entrepreneurial driven youth in Omaha, ultimately aiming to serve the Omaha community. This bakery, as of now, will be making natural Chicken pot pies and hopes to soon possibly make scones.

I am amazed by my friends... especially my friends from Creighton. They are just INCREDIBLE people. They are so compassionate and genuinely care about people. To me, what they do, truly is an example of Christ-like living. Thanks for being such hard, dedicated workers... especially you, Steve.

CHECK OUT HIS WEBSITE!: THE EDUCATED BAKER

BFA ART SHOW. IMPORTANT CHANGE.

For all of you who are planning on attending the opening reception of my BFA Art Thesis Exhibition, it is no longer November 19 but is now OCTOBER 29.

That would suck if you showed up on the 19th... no one would be there.

And no, you cannot see my art work beforehand. If you can't be at my show, I'll post pictures on here and on facebook so you can see my work. It's a secret.

Pet Peeves

I am normally a pretty laid back person and not a lot of things bother me... but the few things that do bother me, REALLY bother me. Those pesky little pet peeves that everyone has just KILL me when people are doing them. I try to stay cool, but it is just insanely hard sometimes. If you are looking for ways to really bug me, here are some of my pet peeves:

1. When people blow their noses near food. Kleenex in the kitchen? NO WAY. If you blow your nose around me when I am eating or in a space that has food, I completely lose my appetite, and honestly, I feel like I am going to vomit. Here's a little piece of advice for you... GO TO THE BATHROOM. Please and thanks.

2. When people leave their blinkers on after they've already changed lanes. One time, on my way home from Omaha, a man on I-80 passed a semi, put on his blinker, and got back into the right lane... but forgot to take his blinker off... for 25 minutes... I got so annoyed I decided to pass him, even though he was already going pretty fast and well over the speed limit. I just couldn't handle it. And then I got pulled over for speeding. Stupid cop. I know, some blinkers are super quiet, but double check and make sure you turn yours off if you are driving around with me.

3. People who don't wear camisoles or undershirts when their shirts are see-through. I don't want to see your leopard print bra or fratty tattoo through your thin, white t-shirt. Wear something underneath.

4. 'Honor student' bumper stickers... or anything that says, 'My golden retriever is smarter than your honors student'. Sorry, but that's not true at all. And I don't care if your 3rd grader is an honors student... they are in third grade and it's really not that impressive.

Those are the main ones as of now. Other things don'y bother me too much... unless it's winking... I can't handle winking.

Please avoid 1-4 when you are with or around me. Thanks.

Arts Farts Smarts.

So I am back in Omaha... for good.

I have been going on different trips and mini vacations throughout the summer, but now, until school starts at the end of this month, I am here. You know what that means? Yes ladies and gentlemen, it means I need to get crack-a-lackin' on my art show. I have been working on my paintings throughout the summer, but honestly, I haven't been disciplining myself to work that hard or that much. I would sleep in, make excuses not to go into the studio, be lazy, or substitute working time for hang out time with friends. Now? My procrastination is kind of biting me in the butt. I am stressed about my show, but not trying to let myself seem stressed. I know I have SO much work to do and really not that much time. The next 3 months are going to kick me reallllllllll hard. Uh oh.

Well, be proud, because I officially finished my first piece for my show. For my style of art and the way I use the media, I work on numerous pieces simultaneously so that there is plenty of drying time and layering. Yesterday, my advisor came in while I was working, pointed at one of my pieces and said, "Don't touch it." I got so pumped. I am currently in the middle of like 6 pieces, but it feels good to get one out of the way. Now, only (at least) 11 more to go. Yikes. I definitely need some prayer... bahahaha.

Reminder.

I'm a really forgetful person. I'm the type of woman that puts her glasses on and five minutes later spends 15 minutes looking for them. The type of woman who walks into a room and forgets why she went there in the first place. Forgetting to write thank you notes or sending out birthday cards. Forgetting to call people back or forgetting to give back something I borrowed. I need to do more sudoku or something to exercise my brain so I'm not a vegetable when I'm 70.

Not only am I forgetful with the little things, but I tend to be forget with the bigger things too. I frequently forget how blessed I truly am. How fortunate I am to have the family and friends that I do. Being blessed with an amazing education at an awesome school and having the support of so many around me. Not always acknowledging how great the church I attend is or how awesome the students in the youth group are. Forgetting how much God actually loves me and how He is truly pursuing me at all times. It's easy for us to weaken our faith. God is always good and always loving and always gracious, but it's so easy to believe the lies that tell us we are not good enough, that we can't do much good for the kingdom, that we are giftless and have nothing to offer, that we cannot be redeemed from our sins. That we will fail and be left rejected by everyone.

Last week, I attended CIY:Move, a Christian conference in Missouri geared for high school students. I was a leader/sponsor last year for CIY, and it was great. Loved every moment of it... but not gonna lie, this year DOMINATED last year. I have been helping out with the high school youth group at Stonebridge for almost two years (wow, time has just flown by) and this is by far the best experience I have had with that group of kids. Before the trip, I was kind of down. When working with youth and in ministry, sometimes it gets really easy to forget why you are there. I know I am there for the kids, but when small group lessons are not getting through to the students, when they all get snappy attitudes, when only 5 people show up for youth group, it is easy to question whether or not it's even worth it sometimes. I am for sure my worst critic... when I feel like I am strong at something and when it doesn't go the way I planned or isn't as good as I expected that something to be, I get pretty down on myself and frustrated. I question a lot and I tend to beat myself down. That's what I have been doing off and on for the past year in the youth group. I consider myself to be pretty good at relationships, especially with youth... building them and strengthening them. So, when no one would come to youth group or none of the students wanted to really talk to me, I took that so personally and wondered, "What am I doing wrong?" I doubted God's work in their hearts. HOW SELFISH OF ME? Well, before CIY, I wasn't that excited to go. I figured it would be fun, but I kind of pushed the possibilities of change, renewal, grace, forgiveness, and love out the window.

But like I said, this year was INCREDIBLE. God over and over and over again continued to reveal himself in the craziest of ways. Right from day one, my small group dug deep into the topic of truth and the students were talking, asking questions, and really trying to understand why Christians believe what they do. I have never seen such philosophical and theological questioning by these students ever before. From that first small group meeting to the last, our group grew pretty close. The students were so open and honest with one another, quick to encourage and give their own advice and wisdom, and the Gospel really seemed to sink in. They truly were pursuing the message and eager to grow, change, and learn. This was a very encouraging reminder that high school students really DO want to know truth, experience grace, be an influence, and endure through the challenges that being a Christian entails.

Youth group time was the same way. Even though day one was just goofy and kind of off topic, after that, our youth group time became pretty serious. Kids got more emotional than I have ever witnessed before. They built each other up in ways that I never thought I would see. They were learning from each evenings' service (speaker and worship included... which I was NEVER disappointed with... SO good!) and not hesitant to share what they were learning. It was SO obvious that God was in that place. That he was moving their hearts and breaking their walls down. As I watched each student become more vulnerable during the week, that broke my heart and I could not help but PRAISE the LORD. I was so filled with joy. Seeing students step up as leaders and as students decided to become workers for the kingdom. It was not only a reminder of how GREAT the youth group is and how thankful I am for being a part of it, but a greater reminder of how GREAT God is. How even though I forget His unwavering passion and love for us, He will prove himself present and sovereign. Even though I may get down when things don't always go the way I thought they might, that I should endure and continue, because if I am doing the work for HIS glory and not my own, then He will reveal Himself in HUGE ways. This crazy week was a very needed reminder of God's character... and I hope and pray that I don't ever forget it.

Carolyn Wanberg in Bolivia

My best friend, Carolyn, is currently in Bolivia (awesome, right?!) enrolled in Spanish language school. We have known each other and been close friends for almost four years now, so watching her go off an experience this new adventure has been extremely exciting yet heart breaking at the same time. As much as I would have LOVED her to stay in Omaha with me, I can't help just to be so ecstatic for her as she learns more about the Latin American culture and as she becomes fluent in the language. She has a pretty amazing blog that you should check out an read, even if you don't know her.

Her stories will definitely motivate you and inspire you... not to mention, make you laugh. (Read her post from today, Friday July 23rd.... HILARIOUS!)

Carolyn in Bolivia

ReChurch

Hey Friends and Family!

I'm not really able to write an entire post right now, but if you want, please check out the website for ReChurch, the church I am interning at in New Zealand starting in January!

I am working on my support letters right now, so it reminded me to encourage you all to check out their site to see what you think!

ReChurch in ChristChurch, New Zealand

Do it to it, Lars.

Leonardo, O Leonardo!

I have had my share of celebrity crushes.

Let's see, well, there was Andrew Keegan. Bad boy from "Camp Nowhere" and douchebag model in "10 Things I Hate About You." There was also Deven Sawa, dream boat from "Casper" and "Now and Then". His hair was just so luscious. OH, and I can't forget "Wild America"... shout out to JTT being in that movie too, even though my sister had a biggest crush on him than I did. Who else... hmmm... well, Joey Lawrence (Lawrence Brothers... "Brotherly Love" anyone?), the main character from that Disney channel show 'The Famous Jett Jackson', the red ranger, George Clooney, one of the guys from that band BBMak, Rupert Grint (aka Ron Weasley... yeah yeah, I know, he's a ginger...), Orlando Bloom (Helllloooooo Legolas and Will Turner), and Jake Gyllenhall. Yes, I am sure there have been more, but even despite this long list of individuals, there is only one celebrity crush that has lived up to the hype.

This is the hardest crush to fight... well, to be honest, I'm not fighting very hard. He's the only one I would IMMEADIATELY say 'yes' to if he asked me to marry him. I truly, truly adore this man. I know for a fact he is intelligent (yes, I like the brains) AND he cares about the world. With his social activism and environmental work, he captures my heart... and I have never met him. It also probably helps that he is an amazing actor and extremely good looking.

His name? Leonardo DiCaprio.

From the moment he appeared on 'Growing Pains', I couldn't help but become smitten with him. Since, my crush has just grown stronger and stronger. Good thing he is such a good actor who picks incredible roles in films so that I have an excuse to see him (... and the movie...) on the big screen. I haven't seen all of his movies quite yet, but I have seen a good number of them. Here is my list of my favorite (to least favorite) Leo movies:

1. The Departed. This one will forever be hard to beat.

2. Inception. Absolutely brilliant.

3. Catch Me If You Can.

4. Blood Diamond. Incredibly moving.

5. What's Eating Gilbert Grape. If you haven't seen this, DO IT. This movie proves how good of an actor, even at such a young age, he is/was.

6. Shutter's Island. CRAZY.

7. Romeo & Juliet. Beautiful Rendition of the classic.

8. Revolutionary Road. Depressing, yet tragically truthful and beautiful.

9. Gangs of New York. I like bloody movies.

10. The Basketball Diaries.

11. The Aviator.

12. Titanic. Everyone "hates" this movie, but c'mon, it is one

of the highest grossing movies in history, so you have to give it some credit.

13. The Beach.

14. The Man in the Iron Mask. (This was the only movie I TRULY hated. Good thing he's so adorable and he just picked a sucky movie to be in.)

There's still a number of his movies I need to see, especially ones from his early years, but nonetheless, he has never really disappointed me and

I can say without any hesitation that he is one of the most brilliant actors of our time. And beautiful. If you disagree, go see 'Inception', it will blow your mind.

And Leo, if you are reading this, will you marry me?

License Plates

I think personalized license plates are just flat out dumb. Some, funny, yes, but mostly dumb. And weird. And just silly. 'Silly' is a silly word.

Here is a list of some of the RIDICULOUS personalized license plates I just happened to spot on my drive from Omaha to Chicago the other day... I have never seen so many on one drive in my entire life... and yes, I was recording them as I saw them:

GO HWX (You think he's an Iowa fan, maybe?)

U N ME (Just stupid)

KNG OPOP (Jeep Wrangler... really?)

2 WILDE (...)

XOLUVS (Mini Van...)

JENNY69 (Ok, ew.)

HEYYY00 (Also a mini van.)

ZOOMBYE (This was a junky old Mitsubishi Eclipse... Leo could have OWNED him.)

M1LF334 (A Dude was driving this car...)

A55 KIZ (This guy was from Indiana... enough said.)

"For I know that plans I have for you..."

Life is all about plans… plans plans plans, blah blah blah… BORING. But true. I mean, just think about your life. The schedules, the meetings, the requirements… Blackberry phones, date books, planners, iPhones, computer calendars. It never ends. We are obsessed with busyness, with knowing what is coming next in life. Even if unintentional, we fill up our schedules so that we will either be in the presence of other people or to make some kind of agreements or plans. Classes, workouts, dinner dates. How often do we just sit down and take time for ourselves? How often do we take time to just sit and realize that we don’t need those schedules, those plan books, and those calendars to make us feel worthy? We fill up all of our empty time so that we rarely have the chance to think about how unimportant our plans actually are but really how unforgettable and irreplaceable God’s plans are.

In the fall, I began to think about the future. Well, not just the future in general, but my future right after graduation (December 2010). I didn’t know what I wanted to do at all… I knew that teaching jobs probably wouldn’t work out because it was halfway through a school year calendar and the last thing I wanted to do was be a substitute. I thought, “Well, maybe I could just move home with my parents and find an odd job until I got a teaching position someplace”, but that also seemed unappealing. I thought about it a lot and began praying. I wanted God to start moving my heart in the direction that he had planned. I asked Him to open up doors for me and close the doors of things that He didn’t want for me. After some time, I began considering going abroad. I have gone on two mission trips to Romania and I know a part of my heart is still in that country. I thought about spending a few months back in Romania and helping out with the mission organization I worked with on those two previous trips. After a couple more weeks, I began considering Discipleship Training School (DTS) with Youth with a Mission (YWAM). A few of my close friends in high school graduated early and spent a semester abroad doing DTS. DTS is basically Bible College abroad that not only helps you grow in knowledge and understanding of the Gospel and who God is, but it also trains you in an area of ministry of which you are interested. I have been involved in some sort of ministry since middle school, so I figured that maybe God was calling me to missions or ministry beyond graduation. I began looking at different English speaking (yep, that’s right, English speaking… I should have stayed with French, gosh dang it) DTS programs around the world and began emailing the different coordinators to gain more information. I looked at programs in Amsterdam, South Africa, France, Scotland, England, Australia, and Togo. I still wasn’t sure if this was exactly what God had in mind for me, but I figured, there was no harm in at least getting practical information. I kept praying and praying and praying but was still unsure.

Then I remembered a name: Randy Brooks.

[[Randy Brooks is the Overseas Director for SPCF (South Pacific Christian Fellowship), a Christian Church in New Zealand. SPCF focuses on the raising up of leaders in the Church to start new Church plants in the South Pacific, an area of the world that is often times overlooked by missionaries. They also appoint leaders and missionaries to struggling churches in this area of the world to figure out how to build back up. In August, Randy came to the church I volunteer at in Omaha and spoke about the mission in New Zealand. I even had the opportunity to talk with him about it one-on-one later that day.]]

I didn’t know why his name came to my head or why, all of a sudden, New Zealand was lying heavily on my heart, but I continued to pray. I journaled a lot, talked with numerous people about it, and was still unsure what to do. After a few weeks of what some would call “overanalyzing”, I decided to email Randy. I re-introduced myself, expressed my interest in doing something with SPCF, and asked him if there was any need for an intern. A couple weeks later, he told me he would look around for opportunities… now it was just a matter of waiting. Patience… something I have been trying to get better at. Well, a couple weeks later, he emailed me about an internship opportunity with ReChurch, a branch new Church plant in ChristChurch, New Zealand. The next day, I was emailed the internship application from one of women at ReChurch. I spent the next week looking over their website (Check it out: www.rechurch.co.nz) and intentionally praying for ReChurch. Praying that God would reveal the plans He not only had for me but for this church as well. Praying for their future intern, praying for strength and growth for this new church plant, prayer that I would be driven by HIS plans and not mine, that God would reveal what he truly wanted me to do after graduation, for courage and patience and trust. I need to trust more. Yep. Plain and simple.

I still felt God tugging at my heart… encouraging me to do this, to apply to ReChurch, to be their intern. So I did it… I filled out the application and sent it in. I spent the next couple of months trying to trust. Trying not to just rely on my own plans but to really evaluate who God is and continuously making the choice to give everything to Him. It’s not easy. At all. If it were up to me, I could plan my future in my datebook, writing down specifics and details so that I could, along with everyone else that seems so content with their future, understand exactly where my life was going. But, I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to say, “Oh, I have known exactly what I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I am doing it.” I would rather say, “I don’t always know where or how things are going to go, but I do know that God is faithful. If I am faithful to Him, I will be just where I am meant to be. God always has new and exciting things for my life... and I can't wait to see where He takes me next.”

Well, I got the internship. Right now, the dates are February 1, 2011 to July 31, 2011. 6 full months in New Zealand? I never suspected this... but I am so happy and so thankful. I can't wait for God to reveal to me exactly what I'll be doing there. I can't wait to meet everyone at ReChurch and form relationships with those people. I can't wait to see how God moves. I could try to picture it in my head, but I know that He is so much bigger than anything I could ever imagine.

Please continue to pray for me.

And Life Moves On.

Since I haven't really blogged in awhile, here is a little update on my life:

I finished my student teaching on April 30th. Over this past semester, I spent eight weeks in two elementary schools and right weeks in a middle school getting my secondary endorsement. Student teaching was the hardest, yet greatest, experience of my life. There were a couple breakdowns in the mix, but for the most part, I loved my time with my students. Everyone keeps asking me, "Beth, do you like middle school or elementary better?" Well, it is really hard to choose. I'll be honest, both are hard in their own ways...

... With elementary, the art is more basic. You can't do extensive, intricate, or emotionally involved projects... simply because they cannot. They haven't developed enough to the point where they are searching for meaning and purpose in life... and they can't handle projects that last more than two or three days. With this though, they are the cutest things ever. They love you no matter what. They just love being with adults and are just eager to impress you with everything they do. Even if I snapped at someone, five minutes later, they would be giving me a hug. It was great. Emotionally, they made me feel appreciated and wanted and important.

... Middle school is a whole different story. They hate adults. They associate them with overbearing, intrusive, uncool parents or previous teachers they have had. It probably took about 5 weeks until most of my students finally warmed up to me. They hold grudges too... if you get on their case about them needing to turn in something, they just hate you. Yeah, it's really fun. This reality was really hard on me at first... I was so used to the elementary kids just loving me and giving me all this positive energy and I was sad to enter into a classroom that had such a negative spirit. With all my lessons and interactions with the students, I tried to make things fun, relatable, interesting, and positive. I memorized all their names in about 5 days (yeah, I took the attendance home with me... loserville) so that they knew I knew who they were and thought they were important. I tried being a little goofy so they wouldn't think I was this straight-laced lecturer or disciplinarian. I certainly had my times where I had to me serious and pretty intense, but in the long run, I am glad they did this. They tried running all over me... and it didn't work. Even though it took them awhile to get used to me as their teacher, I think they began to respect me once they saw how invested I really was. It was difficult not getting all the affirmation that I was getting at the elementary school, but I learned to appreciate education so much more. Not to mention, projects with these students were way cooler and more fun. It also meant a lot when my students told me they liked the projects.

I'll miss student teaching a lot. I'll miss my students a lot. It definitely prepared me for my own classroom and made me aware of what being an art teacher is really like.

Other than that, Creighton graduation was today. I didn't graduate; For those of you who don't know, I am getting my Bachelor of Fine Arts in Studio Art as well, so I will graduate with my two degrees in December. It was pretty surreal watching all my friends walk across that stage in the Quest Center. Part of me knew wanted to be with them so bad, but another part of me knew that it just wasn't my time.

Something I have been working on and praying a ton about is just being completely happy and having faith in exactly where I am at in my life. It might not always be the best time or I might not be doing what I want, but I know I am there because it is God's will. His plans are SO much greater than my own. I know this is what God has planned for me right now. Although I have all these selfish desires to graduate NOW, I know it's just not the right time, and surprisingly, I really at peace with this. I feel like my grasp on control and my grasp on running my life has been weakening more and more over the past couple months. I feel like I am finally letting God do the work... and I feel more exhilarated than ever. With everything going on, please continue to pray that I follow His Will and not my own. That I will be obedient and willing to go wherever he wants me to. That I would just praise Him for all the blessings and everything HE has done, so matter what is going on in my life.

Vision of You.

Worship is such a powerful thing. Not just in song, but in prayer and in lifestyle. Worship is something we should constantly be doing every single day. I feel like God has really been teaching me a lot about worship recently...

He has been slowly revealing to me the importance of putting aside my own desires and taking a moment to listen to him. Taking that time to praise HIM for all of the blessings he has given me and put in my life. It has been recognition of my 'smallness' (not height, ha), and HIS Greatness. Letting HIM sink deep into my heart so that I truly recognize His Grace, Power, and Love. Worship, for me, has become less of me giving something, like a song or a work of art, back to Him, but it is a public and private declaration of His Beauty and Power over anything and everything Human. Letting Him truly come into our lives and willingly having Him change our hearts...

Too often, I sing worship songs, pray, and read my Bible without really inviting Him to come into my heart and change me. Sometimes, I think I am afraid of change. Or, if I want change, I try to change the course of my life and my heart on my own... and every time I do this, I am unsuccessful. Why? Because He is the only one who can change us.

One of my friends, Derek, introduced me to this song. Shane and Shane have a beautiful way of both captivating an audience with their AMAZING talents while also staying rooted in the Gospel and inviting the LORD to come invade their hearts and lives (and reminding viewers to do the same).

Take a moment. Listen to this song. Truly worship.

Wichitawful Weather

On Friday, my Spring Break FINALLY started. I had been waiting for this time away from student teaching for awhile! Originally, I was planning on just staying in Omaha and sleeping in, relaxing, and doing absolutely nothing, but my sister Amanda and I decided to go to Wichita to visit my other sister Jackie. Well, Amanda got to Wichita on Friday but I couldn't head down until Saturday morning. I had heard warnings of weather problems, but wasn't too concerned.

Saturday morning, I woke up at 5 am, was out the door and on the road by 5:30 and was on my way to Kansas. Well, all the way through Nebraska, the weather wasn't too bad. Cold and windy, but nothing too severe. Literally, as I crossed the state border into Kansas, mother nature turned a 180. It was SEVERE winds, with rain/sleet/snow, and ICE on EVERYTHING. At one point, I was going 30 in a 70. I was being really careful the entire way.

Once I passed through Topeka, I got onto the new highway I needed to transfer to. I was on the highway for about 10 or 15 minutes, weather still SUCKING, when a semi in the right lane started merging into the left... right next to where I was driving. If I hadn't braked, that semi would have slammed me right into the median. I braked, hit ice, started swerving, then lost control, spun around a couple times, and ended up in a ditch on the right hand side of the highway... in a foot of slush and mud.

It was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Luckily, after waiting an hour and a half for AAA to come rescue me, they pulled me out of the mud, looked at my car, and didn't see very much damage. I was able to continue my drive to Wichita, still able to see my sisters. I am so thankful this incident wasn't more serious than it was. I am thankful that there wasn't a car in the lane next to me or that the semi didn't actually hit me. I am thankful that I am okay and that I was able to see my sisters this past weekend. Gosh... I am going to be WAY more careful about when I travel from now on... Any sign of weather hazards and I'm staying where I'm at.

Daily Devotionals... Just what I need

I really enjoy to read. I never like reading books that I know I HAVE to read, but when it comes to reading for fun and reading a book of my choice during free time, it's one of my favorite things to do. Lately though, I haven't really felt like I have had much time to read. With student teaching, youth group, and work, I feel like I rarely even have time to just sit.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned how I just feel overwhelmed and incredibly busy all of the time... barely having time for myself let alone my friends, family, and most importantly, God. I also mentioned how down, sad, and heartbroken I have felt lately... how alone I have felt on a consistent basis.

For my birthday, one of the other female youth sponsors, Jackie, gave me a women's devotional book... one page devos for every day of the year. I was really excited about this, because it was something that was easy and would not take too much time, but something that I feel would also benefit my personal relationship with Christ. Well, the devos for yesterday and today stuck me pretty hard.

Here they are:

1. TOO BUSY: Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. (Romans 12:11-12)

Has the busy pace of like robbed you of the peace of mind that should be yours as a result of your relationship with Jesus Christ? If so, you are simply too busy for your own good. Through His Son Jesus Christ, God offers you a peace that passes human understanding, but He won't force His peace upon you; in order to experience it, you must slow down long enough to sense His presence and His love. Today, as a gift to yourself, to your family, and to the world, slow down and claim the inner peace that is your spiritual birthright: the peace of Jesus Christ. When you ask, it will be given to you.

Prayer: Dear Lord, when the quickening pace of life leaves me with little time for worship or for praise, help me to reorder my priorities. When the demands of the day leave me distracted and discouraged, let me turn to Jesus for the peace that only He can give. And then, when I have accepted the spiritual abundance that is mine through Jesus Christ, let me share His message and His love with all who cross my path.

2. WHEN IT'S HARD TO BE CHEERFUL: Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Cor. 13:11)

On some days, as every woman knows, it's hard to be cheerful. Sometimes, as the demands of the world increase and our energy sags, we feel less like cheering up and more like tearing up. But even in our darkest hours, we can turn to God, and he will give us comfort. Few things in life are more sad, or, for that matter, more absurd, than a grumpy Christian. Christ promises us lives of abundance and joy, but He does not force His joy upon us. We must claim His joy for ourselves, and when we do, Jesus, in turn, fills our spirits with His power and His love. When we earnestly commit ourselves to the Savior of mankind, when we place Jesus at the center of our lives and trust Him as our personal Savior, He will transform us, not just for today, but for all eternity. Then we, as God's Children, can share Christ's joy and His message with a world that needs both.

_____________________________

I know that these devos are designed to be very general and non-specific so that they can reach out to all the women reading them no matter what situation they are in, but I can't help but acknowledge the placement of these devos in my life at this right time. I mean really? One after the other focused on business and the need to be joyful? I find these devos to be a blessing, a small "God wink" or reminder of where HE is guiding my heart... He desires me to fully seek Him and although this isn't the means to the end, he is helping guide me back to the right path.

I need little reminders now and again so that my priorities are straight. So thankful.

Slam Poetry and the Power of Words

Remember the power of words, the forgotten people, and how love has a bigger impact than we ever think it does.

Check out: To Write Love On Her Arms

New Art

I haven't really had time to make much art lately... it's kind of driving me crazy. I have been doing a few sketches here and there and I finished a couple of small scale pen and ink pieces, but nothing too substantial. I am really looking forward to getting into the studio a lot this summer and just going to town on those canvases.

This summer and this fall, I will be working on and completing my BFA Studio Art (painting and drawing) degree. I know it's going to be a lot of work and I know how much I have to still do, but I am so ecstatic for this happen. I have always been a little self-conscious about my art, just because I always feel I can improve it somehow. But this show will be a show of my best works... works that represent WHO I am as an artist. That's a lot of pressure, but I am 100% up for the challenge...

Until I can paint and draw some more, I posted a few new pictures of my art from last semester and such on the sidebar below my little music/ipod thing, so check them out and let me know what you think.

Speedy 8 Weeks and a Heart that Weeps.

Friday was my last day of student teaching in the Elementary schools. To my surprise, I am really heart-broken over this...

Going into student teaching, I was SO nervous about being in the elementary schools because I never had teaching experience with younger kids. I had always done my school observations in middle schools. Well, after eight weeks of being thrown into the pits of baby talk, poop on floors and in urinals, paint on EVERYTHING I own, being hit on by 6th grade boys, and tears galore, I find myself deeply saddened by the fact that I left. Harrison Elementary (in particular) has a piece of my heart... and I will miss all those kids more than I ever anticipated to. As I was walking out the doors of the school on Friday afternoon, it hit me. I wasn't teaching them anymore. Even though I plan to visit occasionally, I may never see most of those kids ever again. I started to cry. And when I got into my car? Weeping. I never thought I’d get that emotional over leaving, but I was wrong.

I will miss their enthusiasm for art, their adorable little faces as they smiled and walked into the art room, their hugs and little cards they made me just for the heck of it, and their overall positive attitudes.

I formed really good relationships with a lot of the kids. Being with them everyday for eight weeks helped me get to know their strengths, their weaknesses, and their personal lives. Seriously, if you give a kid just a little bit of your time and love, they will spill EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I feel like I found out too much about their personal lives… especially in regards to their family situations. Abuse, neglect, you name it. I learned through all this how important it was to love those children and give them your heart. Some children are so unloved – some parents could really care less about their kids. I tried my best to love them with everything I had. I wish I could have just told them how much God loves them. Teaching in the elementary school went SO far beyond me just teaching little kids art… it became a form of outgoing love and a giving up of myself. I learned more than just how to manage a classroom full of 25 kids, but how to selflessly approach their needs, encourage them, and truly care for them.

I started my student teaching time in middle school today. I know these next eight weeks are going to be pretty difficult on me emotionally (I have already witnessed a fist fight in the classroom… on my first day… awesome). Just pray for wisdom, strength, and encouragement. Pray that I will be able to relate to these middle schoolers, meeting them where they are at and forming strong relationships with them as well. Pray that I will stay strong, especially when I am being pushed and tested by those mouthy adolescents.

Student teaching has been more trying than I ever imagined. It is so bittersweet… I love it and hate it at the same time. Carolyn, my best friend who is also student teaching, explained it perfectly, “I love student teaching. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But is it the most miserable thing I have ever done? Yes.” While all my friends are enjoying their last semester in college, I feel like I have been forced into adulthood early. I feel like I have been working up to this point for 4 years, and now that I am here, it scares me. It freaks me out how invested I need to be… how selfless I need to be. I literally put all of my energy into encouraging, supporting, and aiding these kids. Unless you student teach, you won’t EVER understand how it feels. It’s hard, REALLY hard. Don’t ever have an attitude of “Those who can’t do, teach”… I’d like to see those people manage a classroom of 27 kindergartners or 19 7^th graders… you wouldn’t last a week. I wish I could talk to my friends about how I am feeling and what this experience is like, but I know that they won’t fully understand. They don’t know what it’s like to feel physically and emotionally exhausted 24/7. Most days, all I want to do is sleep. It’s hard, because I only have a couple more months with some of these people at Creighton and I desperately want to hang out with them and strengthen those relationships. Sleep or hang out? Welcome to the never ending question. I just feel very alone and very on my own right now because I know how hard it is for people to fully understand where I am coming from.

For my dear friends who are reading this: I am drained and I’m sorry if I haven’t been investing enough time in you. I am sorry I have put our relationship on the backburner. I will try harder… but I want you to understand that this is where I need to be right now. I need to be investing my time in these children. I need to be student teaching. Forgive me, but be patient. Try to understand where I am coming from and know that I care for you. Being an adult is hard.

I really do love student teaching, so I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m complaining. I’m not. This experience has just thrown me into experiences I underestimated. Pray for me. Encourage me. Be patient with me. Question me. Talk with me.

... And it's onto #3!

GREAT NEWS.

In September, I posted about how I completely finished my first journal and how that was a HUGE thing for me. Well, I also talked about how I was starting a new journal... and guess what? Last night, I finished that second journal. I now have two full journals of writings!

I still don't know how else to express how big this is for me.

I know, I know, to some, a year and a half later and only two journals filled in might not seem like very much. But for someone who procrastinates as much as I do, for how forgetful I am, with the love-hate relationship I have for writing, and with how much I used to struggle with investigating my own life, acknowledging strengths and weaknesses, and reflecting on my relationship with the LORD, two full journals of these writings amazes me.

It's a slow process, but God is revealing a lot to me. He has given me persistence. He has enabled me to be more intentional about examining who I am and my identity in Christ. He has pushed me to lead a more prayerful life... one that records and is kept accountable.

I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I still have a long way to go in my journaling endeavors... but I am excited to be emerged in this process. To have written evidence of change, of strengths, of weakness and areas of growth, and notes of prayers and special sermons. Of what I have learned and where He is leading me.

Pray that with this third journal, I am able to continue growing and learning.

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers over the past year and a half.

Golden Birthday

On Monday, I turned 22... 22 on the 22nd... NEAT!

I wasn't really sure how I felt about turning 22... I mean, I had heard stories from friends that 22 was the best birthday they have had so far, but I have also heard that 22 is the worst birthday some of my friends have had.

I was pretty excited it was my Golden Birthday (22 on 22) because it will never happen again... but all the exciting birthdays are officially behind me. I mean, I have my license, I can buy tobacco (if I really wanted to), I can sign my own paperwork, and I can legally drink... I mean, what else is there to look forward to? Oh yeah, I can rent a car without additional charges when I am 25... nice.

I mean, in all honesty, my 22nd birthday should have been... well... ordinary. With a hint of depressing. But it was not. It was quite the opposite, actually.

It was low key and spent with my close friends, exactly how I wanted. We did go out the Saturday before. We had a little "Gold Party" at my apartment for a couple hours and then went out downtown. Pretty hilarious and random -- Just ask Laura Hund... can anyone say goldfish?

Monday started off as just an ordinary day. I woke up and got ready for school. I drove to Harrison, one of the elementary schools I teach at, and walked into the classroom. There on my desk was a cookie frosted with a big '22' on it, a cup of coffee, a card, and a present. I love my cooperating teacher. She is seriously the sweetest lady ever. Now, the first class of the day on Monday is a third grade class. These kids are NUTS. SO loud and awkward... love

'em, but I get super exhausted. Now I have a small idea of what my teachers probably had to deal with when I was in their class. Well, they normally come into the room super loud and running all over the place, but on this day, they walked in single file and quiet as can be. I knew something was up. This was NOT normal. Once they all got to their seats, they started singing "Happy Birthday". It was so cute! I seriously got so excited. They all made me cards too, which made my heart smile. The rest of the day, kids were bringing me little presents (like old pottery pieces they made in class) and homemade cards. It was adorable.

"Miss Cavender? How old are you?"

"22."

"Oh, I thought you were 16!"

After school, I went to dinner at Blue Sushi with a group of friends. I LOVEEEEEE sushi... so happy hour on my birthday? Nice. Extra good. Well, it was really refreshing to have people gathered together to just talk, eat, and just be with one another. After we ate dinner, Carolyn, being the best friend that she is, decided that she wanted everyone to go around the table and say why they love me or what they appreciate about me. Naturally, I felt awkward at this time and tried stopping this little event from occurring, but they insisted. I am so thankful to have people in my life who care for me and appreciate me for who I am. I am thankful that they would be willing to take time out of their day to celebrate my birthday with me. To those of you who helped make my special day... well, special, THANK YOU. LOVE YOU.

Later that night, I went to a speaker at Creighton -- Jaime Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms. If you don't know what this organization is, I have a link to their page on the side of my blog. Please do me a favor and check it out. This was just a good reminder of the importance of community, compassion, and not being afraid to talk about even the most difficult things.

To most, yeah, my birthday might have seemed average... but I guess that I am just learning to appreciate the little things and the quieter moments more and more as I grow up. Dang, I'm 22.

Oh, except I lost my debit card. Dangggggggg. At least I still have 25 and renting cars in my future...

What Do I Make?

I am a future teacher... well, as of right now...

I am excited to teach. I really do think it's an exciting career... CRAZY and EXHAUSTING, but exciting nonetheless. I sometimes still have a hard time picturing myself running a classroom, but as soon as I get in the "mode", things change. I love interacting with kids. I love when they get excited about an art project. I love hearing their "oohs" and "ahhs" when I show them different art techniques. I can't stand those people that say, "those who can't do, teach..." Oh really? Well, I might not be able to sew someone's leg back on or defend a criminal in court, but I will be there among the future doctors and lawyers before they become big hot shots. I will be teaching them how to look at a picture and see SOMETHING. I am going to do my best to show my students how to appreciate art... even if they think they can't draw. I want kids to know that they are all artists... in their own way. Yeah, I paint and I draw, but music? That's an art. Reading? That's an art. Sports? That's an art. Everyone has a gift... and that makes them an artist.

Below is a poem/story I REALLY enjoy and appreciate. It has really made me a lot more confident in my current career path... I hope it makes you think a little bit differently about teaching if you feel like it's an easy job....

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?'

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'

To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?'

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want to know what I make?

(She paused for a second, then began...)

'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?' (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)

''I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write.

Keyboarding isn't everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America .

I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...

You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?'

His jaw dropped, he went silent.