I have been living and working in New Zealand for over four months now. I am well past the point of feeling uncomfortable or uneasy. And I am way past the honeymoon stage. Honestly, as flexible and adaptable of a person I am, I am surprised about how fast I have truly settled in here.
Currently, I am at the point in my 'Kiwi Adventure' where things are... normal. The language. The food. The earthquakes. The wildlife. The people. It's all been so ingrained in my daily life since day one, that now I honestly don't remember what certain things are like back at home. Actually, maybe 'normal' isn't the right word. How I feel about my time in NZ and what stage I am in is so much more emotional than the vibe that the word 'normal' gives off... maybe I should say: My heart is in New Zealand.
I have heard people say this on numerous occasions about the different places they've been to. When someone comes back from a mission/service trip, an incredible vacation, or a really great experience abroad, I often hear, "My heart's in __________." To be honest, I have said this before... but I really didn't know what it meant. I am still trying to figure it out.
I've spent the past four months DIGGING into realms of my own heart I didn't even know existed. Confronting past sins that I've purposefully tried forgetting. I have come to face, overcome, and even fall to challenges against me. Never before in my life have I experienced so much joy, loneliness, happiness, confusion, doubt, confidence, fear, sadness, humility, humor, acceptance, love, passion, and most of all grace. Just listing all of those things makes me exhausted. My experience here so far has been more than good. More than positive. More than an opportunity to work and live abroad... It has sucked. It's brought me to tears more times than I would like to admit. It's been stressful and difficult... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've fallen in love.
I am not just talking about enjoying my time and wanting to come back one day. I am talking about LOVE. I am not saying that I hope I will be back... I will be back. I will be absolutely heart-broken when I leave. Not just because I experienced so many unexplainable emotional highs here, but because I've hit bottom here. Through the brokenness of the city, the brokenness of the people, the brokenness of my own soul, God has open my eyes to see how beautiful He is.
My experience in New Zealand has been a death to myself like I have never imagined. That's what I see as love. Death to oneself. It's not just enjoying the times that make you feel comfortable and at ease. It's not even enjoying those trials you experienced because you learned so much about yourself and grew because of them. It's actually not about you at all. It's about the other.
I can't wait to go home and see my family and friends. My heart is not bound to one place... I feel more free to love now no matter where I am. Love the country because God loves the country. Love the people because God loves them. And even though I have fallen madly in love with New Zealand and will be so so sad to leave, I need to remember that God loves NZ more than I ever could and ever will and He is with these people. He is healing the broken. He is the source of all the joy. He is the creator and sustainer of the abundant beauty. No one is more joyful and brokenhearted over the world than God... no one is more in love with any nation, people group, or person than God.
This new 'normal' for me... this love... it's not going to fade. The death to myself must continue. Even when things seem monotonous and stereotypically "normal", I must remember that my new normal is a changed heart full of love and trusting of how loving our God is. My new normal is longing to have a heart like God's... a heart that both weeps and rejoices with creation.
|| This song has nothing really to do with this blog post... Whenever I am in a uber emotional state, I just need a really good healing song with some great lyrics. This is the one I chose for tonight. I hope you enjoy. ||
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