My Breaking Heart.

I have been involved in some sort of youth group since I was in 6th grade. Either as a student or as a leader. As both, I have invested not only my time, but my heart and energy. Even if it hasn't always shown, I feel as if I have invested a lot... sometimes I wonder if I invest too much. I love being a part of these groups, but it is wearing. It's great, but there are some times that just break you down and break your heart.

Being a leader is WAY different than being a student. First, as a student, unless you are on some sort of leadership team, you don't really have any responsibility. You kind of just... show up. The more you put into youth group, the more you get out. Well, as a leader, you have to be active in everything 'youth group' to be effective. Active in your faith, active in building relationships, active in sharing yourself with others, and active in just being a part of the youth group community in general. Having this position requires a part of our hearts and emotions to be put on the front lines. Being open allows others to be open with us. I never knew how powerful and true this really is until recently.

Without revealing names and specific situations, there has been a lot of stuff going on with a bunch of girls in the junior high and high school youth group. Personal stuff. Heart-wrenching stuff. Over the couple of days, I have been exposed to 6 of these particular situations. It hurts seeing them go through this. It pains me not knowing what to do in certain situations. It's easy to think 'How did I NOT know any of this was going on?' My heart breaks for these girls. I know from experience how difficult and sucky adolescence is. I, personally, never want girls to go through some of the things that I did, but unfortunately, just because I don't want them to, doesn't mean it won't happen. Today, I find myself a little bogged down because of all of this. My heart is heavy. I am a little confused and really sad. I was really emotional last night when I was driving home just because I couldn't get some of the things out of my head.

For over a year, I have opened up to girls and tried to get to know THEM. As young women trying to live for Christ and as Daughters of a Perfect Father. Not only this, but also, I have been trying to get to know their faults, their weaknesses, and their sins. For the first 10 months, the hearts of these girls were hard. They weren't open to share anything. It's taken me a long time to gain the trust of most of these girls. I have shared myself with them, and now, they are finally beginning to share their lives with me. I hardly expected some things that they have been telling me. My investment, my heart, was ready to give, I thought, but it is being broken by their stories. By their experiences. Am I too weak? Have I invested too much?

The past couple of days have been rough, but after praying a LOT this afternoon and talking to a few people, I realize that it's okay that my heart is breaking. It means that I care.. It shows that I have been trying to get to know these girls on a more personal level and when I see them in pain and see them hurting, it hurts me. I don't always like to show my weaknesses... and sometimes I like to think that I have everything together. But, it's at times like these that I realized how broken we all are. The best I can do is to continue loving these girls. I feel as though my heart is heavy, but when I am able to give these girls completely to the LORD, he will lighten the load on my heart. He has invested more energy and love and compassion into relationships with these girls than I ever could. I know he has everything under control, so I don't need to worry about fixing things for myself. I can't. I can't solve their problems. I can't pretend I know everything about counseling. I can't always be there to be their confidante. I can cry all I want. But, I have to know that HE is in control. What can I do? Love these girls and encourage them to seek HIM. He's going to make everything okay. I just need to learn a balance of investment and TRUST.