I stop and think about my life almost seven months ago. I was preparing to leave New Zealand - my home for the previous six months. I vividly remember how afraid I was of leaving yet how excited I was to return back to the States. I remember feeling broken-hearted to separate from the people who quickly became my family in Christchurch but eager to reunite with my blood-family. I remember how nervous I was to come back and start a life all on my own. I remember trying to keep a grasp on all the things I talked to my counselor about and all the reflection time I had. I remember how desperate I was to not fall back into old patterns of living but completely trusting in the Lord to continue to strengthen and work in my heart in the States just as he changed me in New Zealand.
I remember how stressful my flights back to the States were… having to pack and repack three times at the airport so I could get all my things home. How I almost missed two out of my three flights (hearing your name being called throughout the airport for a “last call” is NOT a fun thing to experience). I remember how unusually LONG the lines going through customs were in SanFran. I remember how when I finally saw my family, I burst out in tears… not to mention my hysterical reaction to seeing my sister Jackie when she surprised me as my parents and I were basically walking out of the airport.
I remember how WEIRD it was to be driving on the different side of the road again. I remember crying spontaneously when we met Amanda and Elliot for dinner that evening because I was so sad to be back. I remember still being on edge and jumping up every time I heard a creak in the floors or a rattle of a truck driving by because of the earthquakes. I remember how much I just wanted to be back in NZ.
I remember how sad and lonely I felt for months and months after my return. Even with all the good and exciting things that have happened (like one of my best friends getting married and having a new job), I still could not get back to “normal”… whatever that means. I remember just trying to talk about my experiences and tell stories but knowing that very few people were really THAT interested in hearing what I had to say – not a bash on those people, but just a realization that this journey to me was life-changing. However, for the people around me, it was more so just a six-month time period I lived out of the country. For them, life moved on. To me, I felt like a part of me stopped when I left.
Fast forward seven months later and I realize that that isn’t true. Nothing stopped when I left New Zealand. Deep down I knew that, but the loneliness some days seemed to deep to bear. Life was just different when I returned… not better or worse… just different. The biggest thing to change? No one immediately around me could completely understand and empathize. Since I am an extremely relational person, that realization hurt more than anything else.
Even though I have struggled with this for the past seven months, I cannot help but be joyful. Why? Because even though no one can relate to my experiences in a lot of ways, God has been so faithful. Even when I was so sad and felt so disconnected when I got back, God continued to reveal to me how much He loves me. When all I wanted to do was go back to NZ, God reaffirmed my return to the States and made my heart rejoice in the new opportunities He was opening up for me.
Too often, my heart and my desires do not reflect God’s. I become consumed by my own longings and chasing after my own kingdoms, but I have to praise Him for reminding me of His promises… for HIS kingdom to come to earth and a new JOYFUL heart. Everyday, He is teaching me how to be faithful to Him just as He is to me everyday. He is showing me how beautiful life is when I follow His will rather than my own. How when I love people around me, I am loving Him. He’s reminding me not to fear. He’s reminding me to open my heart to new experiences here that are just as valuable as the lessons he taught me in New Zealand.
My new life in Omaha for the past seven months has been an adventure of it’s own. My new job is incredible and fun and ridiculously harder than I ever imagined. Living independently from my family and still trying to build those relationships from afar. From friendships and relationships that I had before I left for New Zealand that diminished or completely ended to developing new friendships and relationships that I am so excited to see evolve and grow. But most of all, my relationship with God. And my longing to learn more and more about Him… to fully experience His presence and see His character played out each and every day. To come to Him with an open heart and to be wide open to the ways He is changing me on a daily basis.
Even though I miss New Zealand more than I can express fully in words, I am so excited to be living in Omaha again. For the opportunities, for the relationships, and for the new things I am learning about myself, others, and about the Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment